A perfect mix.

So everyone always asks me, "who do people say Matilda looks like" to which I say, "Michael" and they respond, "ok that's what I was going to say too."

Well my friends, my sweet girl sure does resemble her sweet dad but this week I was going through boxes of stuff (a lot of junk I had accumulated over the last 27 years) and I found a picture that proves that my babe looks more like me than you may see at first glance, see for yourself! (I was 2 months in this picture and Matilda is also 2 months in her picture)

Deliverance

Deliver me from all of the sadness
Deliver me from all of the madness
Deliver me, courage to guide me
Deliver me, your strength inside me

All of my life I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like you
Now that you're here, now that I've found you
I know that you're the one to pull me through

Deliver me
Deliver me
Deliver me

Jesus Jesus how I trust you
How I've proved you over and o'er
Jesus Jesus
Precious Jesus
Deliver me

Years ago my friend and I planned and lead a worship night on the theme/topic of lament and this was one of the songs we learnt for that night.

Many times I have found myself working through struggle and grief while sitting at my piano, singing and playing this song, and today yet again.

Jesus answered a prayer for deliverance today. Not through earthly healing as we would have chosen, but through another more eternal deliverance.

Today heaven embraced a new, beautiful, cancer-free angel, and her name is Audrey.

Signs of a new Mom

I have now been a mom for 8 weeks. EIGHT WEEKS! things are going well over here, we are getting some sleep, drinking lots of coffee and getting to know Matilda's sweet personality.

I was thinking today of all the ways my "normal" has changed and was laughing to myself as I was thinking of some of the things that act as clear evidence that I'm a new mom. So I decided to blog about it.

The first way would actually be the fact that I am writing this post on my iPhone while holding my sweet sleeping baby and bouncing on my exercise ball.

Other ways you can tell I'm a new mom:

Getting dressed for the day now means changing out of the pyjama pants I slept in and putting on new pyjama pants for the day.

which pjs should I wear today...

The day's success is measured in hours of sleep and amount of poop. (Hers not mine, although after you have a c-section it takes the body awhile to get back to normal so you do celebrate your own bathroom victories - maybe that is TMI? Haha)

napping in her swing

Time to myself now consists of going to the bathroom in peace, doing a quick washing of all the bottles and maybe a game of scrabble on my phone (I'm getting pretty good!)

bottles washed and unwashed

If I want to drink my coffee hot it needs to be in a travel mug because it never fails that as soon as I take the first sip Matilda wakes up and I have yet to master the drinking of hot liquids and holding her simultaneously.

starbucks blonde roast brewed and poured into my travel mug

I consider lunch successful if I have eaten by 3pm.

My phone is now full of pictures of Matilda instead of my cats. Not a bad thing!

just smiling at her dad

My hair is going grey. And every time I tell someone they say "ya right" and then they look at my head and say, "oh ya!!" I'm considering just chopping it off into the short spikey silver "do" that women seem to do when embracing their grey. Oy.

some shampoo lovingly given to me by my sister, note the purpose: "for blonde, highlighted, and silver hair." :)

I tape shows like Dr Phil to watch during the day when nothing is on (I like having the TV on in the background, makes me feel less like I'm home alone). I also can tell you the best show to watch at most hours of the day, except for 11am, that time slot is hopeless, perfect time to pull out a book!

just imparting wisdom onto the nation. nbd (or no big deal, that's slang my sister uses)

These things and many more are the signs of a new mom - a role I am loving. I am so thankful for my new normal and for the sweetest little girl to call my own.

Immanuel

Christmas is here. Every year I feel like it sneaks up on me, like I don't always take the time to soak it up before it is over.

I love so much about Christmas. The music, the decorations, the turkey and the Christmas baking. I love the Christmas carols and the time with family. I love the familiarity of the Christmas story and the sound of my brother or one of my dads reading the words, "in those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree..." I love taking time to pick out gifts for those I love, and spending more time together than a normal day.

I always miss loved ones that are no longer here. Christmas always makes me aware of the fact that our family is not whole here on earth, especially missing my first nephew, Jay.

This year Christmas is different since we are now a family of 3. I appreciate time with family even more and I'm more aware yet again of the gifts that God has given me.

But this year, having Matilda around has helped me see Christmas in another way. I have always loved the name Immanuel for God. It has just always been one of my favourite ways to refer to Jesus. I love the verse in Isaiah (9:6) "For a child is born to us, a son is given to us. The government will rest on his shoulders. And he will be called:
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." And I love to read it together with the verse in Matthew (1:23) "She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel, which means 'God is with us'".

The verse in Isaiah talks about a son being given to us, and the verse in Matthew talks about his name meaning he is WITH us. This is where having Matilda has helped give me a new perspective.

I always knew I wanted to have kids. I feel natural around kids and I love spending time with my nephews and my friends kids. I knew the basics of what having a kid meant - getting pregnant, going through labour, feeding the baby, changing diapers, meeting needs, getting her to sleep etc. I knew having a baby would mean she would be with me, live with me, but I didn't get the depth of that until the experience was mine. Until I went thru it, I didn't know that when you are pregnant, you think of your baby 24/24 hours of the day. When you go into labour you do not care about the pain or about what it takes to get that baby out safely. Until I had a baby that needed me to fill her every need I didn't know what it felt like to be needed like that. Until the experience was mine, I didn't know how much time and effort it took, and I didn't get how much you can love someone.

Until the experience was mine, I didn't know what it really meant to have a baby with me at all times. She is all I think about, I don't do anything without thinking how she fits in to it. I don't eat breakfast when I am hungry if I think she need to eat or even just have my full attention.

Until now, it didn't fully sink in that that is what Immanuel means. God is WITH us. He wants to be with me the way Matilda is. He wants to be part of every minute of my day. He wants my attention, my thoughts, my everything. He makes himself present constantly, he may not force my attention like a newborn does, but he wants it.

So this year I will make it intentional to welcome him the way he welcomes me. Immanuel - a son given to us, God with us.

This picture is of my chalkboard in my living room, with the verse from Matthew to help remind me of this wonderful gift.

one month with our sweet girl

this past Friday marked my sweet girl's one month birthday!

One month ago we were in the hospital gazing at this 8lb 3oz bundle of sweetness that had just entered our lives. 

 we were finally our family of 3 - and we went home slightly blissfully naive about the work (and wonderful bliss) that lay ahead

 our sweet Matti had a hard start - losing weight, having jaundice, having a good latch but not enough b-milk to satisfy her hungry tummy.

 but we spent time learning and getting to know our daughter - learning that she likes to be bounced on the exercise ball, that she likes to spend time alone kicking her legs and checking out everything around her.

 we gave her a bath at home, her first one, and she HATED it - as you can see in this picture. Once her cord stump fell off we started to give her a more relaxing bathing experience - a overly full tub and very warm water - now Matilda loves to lounge in the tub and only cries when you take her out.

 Matilda has spent the month surrounded by so many people that love and care about her. photographing her, videotaping her, talking to her, kissing and cuddling her.

 she is a very alert and easygoing baby - her big blue eyes spend a lot of time checking out everything around her.

 once on formula matilda gained back all the weight she lost and then some - now she is a perfectly chubby babe.

 she is also a good sleeper and for awhile we had to wake her up for every feed - the only nice thing about waking her up from such a deep sleep was watching her move around like she is in this picture

 Matilda has the best Dad ever - and for the last month he has spent every moment he can soaking her up - he is there for diaper changes, feeding times, lots of snuggling and talking with her and he is the best swaddler.

 Matilda loves her change table and is always calm, happy and alert when she's on her table. this is where she started to smile for the first time as early as 2 1/2 weeks (and anyone who says it is gas has obviously never seen her smiling in real life, because she does it when you talk to her!) her is one of her sweet grins.

 we're not all that good at initiating tummy time - but once and awhile she spends time on her tummy and at least one of the cats is there to keep her company.

 sweet little feet

 Matilda has already had 4 baby showers in her honour and has 2 more coming up. This is the cake that was made for her at our church shower!

 being with my sweet girl is my favorite thing in the world. and i also love that she looks so much like her dad :)

 at one month she is much bigger and looking older than she was when she was born!

 she has way too many clothes - so we try to put her in as many outfits as we can - including these cute ruffle butt pants.

 and these ugg like boots that belonged to her cousin Everett.

 just spending time with her dad :)

 one month old - my sweet girl, Matilda Joy - beautiful, easygoing, sweet, lovable - just the best!

 and the best christmas present we could ever have asked for!

... till the next major milestone!!