heal my heart

today marks what would have been the fourth birthday of my first nephew
jay benjamin klassen

as the time has passed the grief and pain have changed, but are still always there. it will never be right or ok that he isn't here.

I love thinking of him, and imagining what the brotherly dynamic would be between him and everett, and him and roger. I wonder if he would've kept those curls that he had when he was born as his hair grew longer. I imagine that his voice would sound like Everett's does, and that his personality would be a mix of Everett's curiosity and Rogie's easy going nature.

I miss him all the time and wish I could hold him, hug him, hear him say Auntie, hear him say anything!

I will always love my first nephew, and he will always be part of our family.

we were on worship team (for the first time) at our new church this past sunday, and we sang a song that I have always found incredibly powerful. there are some songs that when I hear them, I think of heaven, being in God's presence and surrounded by angels and other believers, singing in constant worship. the words are powerful, but even the music - the drumbeat, the bass line, the guitar riffs.. all of it seems to transport me.

in the wake of the horrific colorado tragedy on Friday, and anticipating the bittersweet milestone of meeting Jay and losing Jay on July 24th, this song was extra powerful to me. we live in such a broken and imperfect world. where people turn on people, evil reigns, babies die before they are able to live, and all the other tragedies that are too numerous to even list - God remains God. And no evil power, no death or violence has the victory. One day God will return, and all will be as it should.

I look forward to seeing my sweet nephew Jay on that day.

Hosanna - Brooke Fraser

I see the King of glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes
The whole earth shakes


I see His love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing
The people sing


Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

^{1 Corinthians 51-55 (The Message)}
But let me tell you something wonderful, a mystery I'll probably never fully understand. We're not all going to die—but we are all going to be changed. You hear a blast to end all blasts from a trumpet, and in the time that you look up and blink your eyes—it's over. On signal from that trumpet from heaven, the dead will be up and out of their graves, beyond the reach of death, never to die again. At the same moment and in the same way, we'll all be changed. In the resurrection scheme of things, this has to happen: everything perishable taken off the shelves and replaced by the imperishable, this mortal replaced by the immortal. Then the saying will come true: 

   Death swallowed by triumphant Life!
   Who got the last word, oh, Death?
   Oh, Death, who's afraid of you now?

this oven is overheating!

while I promise to not ALWAYS write only about my pregnancy (or eventually only about my baby)
mostly because I don't want this to become another one of the thousands of "mommy" blogs
ps. I won't be referring to myself as mommy on here either!
I am writing about my pregnancy again today.

this time - my pregnancy and the world's hottest summer.

On a regular summer day, my favorite thing to do would be something a long the lines of: going for a bike ride, sipping an iced cold lemonade or iced coffee, visiting my family or a friend, blowing bubbles with everett, read on a lawn chair in the back yard, go to the beach... you know, regular summer things.

This summer.. well, the air conditioning is my BFF.

Ever since I was a kid, I had the wonderful talent of turning bright red in the face the moment I got hot. I don't think I've met many people that share this talent with me. But really, my cheeks get very flushed, the moment I get hot, and there is no hiding that. I remember one time, a lady at my old church said to me "oh, you must have got a bad sunburn today" and I replied, "nope, that's just how my skin works." see. talent!

And, let me tell you, being pregnant.. does not help this problem at all.

At work, I work with 2 guys, one who is currently on sabbatical and the other who handles temperature in the complete opposite way as I do. One morning I went to his office and said "are you feeling as hot & stuffy in here as I am?!" (keep in mind, I was wearing a skirt and a t-shirt) and as I said it, I looked at him and he was wearing: Jeans, a long sleeve button up shirt, a vest, and a long sleeved sweater. And he said "no, I'm cold actually." Hmm.. could be a long summer. Thankfully, pregnancy wins out on this one, and he lets me control the AC.

I feel like I'm missing out on summer, but when it is in the 40s with the humidex.. I just can't function. I try to do things, like go to the heritage museum with my family, but the same thing happens.. everyone is doing the activity and there I was, in the AC with the other little hot tamale in our family, Rogie. We were happy sitting on a couch in the AC, but I can't help but feel like I'm missing out!!

BUT - let me tell you. This little baby I am carrying... is completely worth it all! At 23 weeks, I now have less than half way to go. The baby will start gaining more weight each week, and the baby can hear my voice. I have been learning some new songs on the guitar and singing them to this babe.

I love feeling the baby kick, and hiccup. I love knowing when the baby is most likely to be moving and most likely to be sleeping. I love that when my cats lay or push on my belly, the baby kicks back (I can hardly wait for them to be able to feel it! a little taste of their own medicine). I love that the nursery is set up and I can sit in there just thinking and praying. I love that we have named our little bundle and call it by it's name around the house. I love that Michael is more excited to be a dad & meet this little baby than I ever thought he would be! I love that this baby will be born the same year as Roger, and that they will one day wait at the end of our driveway to start their first day of kindergarten together! I love it all really.

And this week, best part of my week - I got my CD in the mail of the pictures of my wonderful little bundle! Most of them are semi-blurry because this baby refuses to sit still. It's a wee bit crazy, in the best way possible! I don't even know what half of the pictures are of, but I love staring at all of them. Pure joy.

 baby thiessen

 spine

 hands

 foot

 bladder

 

the heart

a delicious cupcake

I finally loaded some pictures off the camera onto my laptop and thought I'd post a few from our baby lives these days!

we found out the gender, and decided to have a "reveal party" for our parents & siblings (we are keeping the gender a secret from everyone else as of right now!)

I found this idea on pinterest - I bought mason jars that are all the same size, then I punched a hole thru the lid to put a straw through. I used removeable labels to mark all the jars and then we used them outside for lemonade - kept the bugs out, and if the jar tips over it doesn't spill very easily!

I found the idea on pinterest to do these cute gender reveal cupcakes. i baked them in these silicone heart cupcake liners that my mom gave me, cored them, and filled them with a colored filling (either pink or blue), topped the filling with a bit of cake, then iced them with chocolate icing, sprinkled them with both pink & blue sprinkles and then iced on a white question mark. Pretty cute if I do say so myself (also, how cute is my little cupcake stand? I painted it at brushfire pottery this past winter)

 When you bite into the cupcake you discover the colored filling and then know if it's a boy or girl baby! We made our families wait till after we ate a bbq meal, and then I handed out the cupcakes and counted to 3, they all bit into the cupcake at the same time, and found out! Some people took little bites, but others took a big mouthful and then couldn't really talk or yell! everyone had their own approach :)

 All ready for the party!

 I asked my Mom to bring watermelon and/or other fruit, and she made this cute little watermelon basinett to hold a canteloup baby! too funny!

 Then I showed the nursery off (yes, I know I have 4 months to go.. but I'm already fairly deep into my nesting phase. the nursery is mostly done, and michael & i both spend time just sitting in there, letting the reality of us having a baby sink in!)

I found this whale weather vane thing at the antique store in Johnston's terminal, and my sister Phoebe bought it for me for my birthday this year! Both colors I had picked out (for a boys nursery or a girls nursery) had to match the whale!

 This is my cute change table, with some new baskets and some gifts bags from family member's gifts! My in-laws found this change table on someone's yard, to be given away for free, so they loaded it up and took it home. Dad T reinforced it so that it is super sturdy, and then gave it a good washing. It was already white, which is exactly what I wanted. I bought some drawer handles at ikea, I wanted clear ones because I thought they'd look so cute on a white change table. I already had the change mattress from my friend Lisa since her kids are definitely no longer in diapers!

 I got this figurine from my parents - called "Home: Together our family is home." I love it!

 A few little stuffies for our baby to snuggle one day!

That's all the pictures for now, we also have a beautiful crib set up in the nursery, but right now it's full of clothes! Now to wait till November!

where the Spirit of the Lord is...

I was thinking of alternate titles for this post, and the other one that seemed to fit best was: freedom, my grandma & my pregnancy... so that will be my other working title :)

I am officially in the middle of my 5th month of pregnancy, on Thursday I will officially be 21 weeks. We have had our mid-pregnancy ultrasound, which was amazing (and I am fortunate enough to get a second one next week - the baby wouldn't cooperate & give us some good pictures of their heart, so we had a second ultrasound scheduled 2 weeks later in hopes that this baby will move from it's current breech position). We have set up the nursery, gender specific. We have had a "gender reveal" party to those we are telling (our parents & siblings only). I have felt the baby move, my cats have a weird 6th sense that they know I'm pregnant (I'm convinced of this, and reading things on the internet confirms that other cats are acting the exact same way mine are to their pregnant owners). We are practicing calling the baby by it's potential name and we are spending time talking about the baby and praying for this baby.

so, the connection to the second title of my blog post is because of this. My pregnancy has made me miss my grandma so much more. I am feeling the loss of not being able to tell her I'm pregnant and to have her call me to get updates. I am feeling the sadness of knowing my baby will never be held by their omi, who had the world's perfect legs for baby holding, since they were so long! Everett used to lay out completely on grandma's legs. If I did that.. the baby's head would be hanging off the end of my legs! I miss so much about my grandma.

Today I was caught up in a bittersweet memory of an experience that only I had. When my grandma was sick, very sick at the end especially, I used to bring my guitar either to the hospital or to her condo, and sit and play for her & sing while she either slept or just listened. I only really sang worship songs and hymns, and at certain parts, grandma would say "yes" or just nod along and smile. today at my piano I sat down & flipped to a random spot in my song binder and came across this one that swept me back into this memory

Freedom:


where the Spirit of the Lord is... there is freedom
where the Spirit of the Lord is... there is freedom
lift your eyes to heaven... there is freedom
lift your eyes to heaven... there is freedom


freedom reigns in this place
showers of mercy and grace
falling on every face... there is freedom
Jesus reigns in this place
showers his mercy and grace
falling on every face... there is freedom


if you're tired & thirsty... there is freedom
if you're tired & thirsty... there is freedom
give your all to Jesus... there is freedom
give your all to Jesus... there is freedom

I remember sitting on the chair beside my grandma's hospital bed and singing this song. I remember her with her eyes closed and saying "yes" many times in this song. I remember her praying, thanking God for another day of grace and for his freedom. I remember her lifting her eyes to heaven and longing for more of Jesus. I remember how she lived in his freedom and exhibited his grace and love. I remember her and I so badly wish that one day my baby could learn these things from watching grandma.

I am thankful for these memories, and for the example of my grandma. I am also thankful for this freedom, these showers of mercy and grace that are falling...

falling on every face, there is freedom.

my one and only

I'm not sure if this is the case for everyone, but I have found that one of the most wonderful things about being pregnant is that it has made Michael & I closer than ever!

We had friends of ours over the other day and they asked us if we would call each other our best friend, and of course we easily said YES! They felt the same way about one another, and it was fun to be able to talk about the fact that we weren't just married couples, but we were couples who were best friends and wanted to be with no one else as much as with our spouse. I know that is not the case for every married couple, and so we have just been really grateful for this lately.

Over the last few months, there have been many times where we have just stopped what we are doing or talking about to say, Hey I just really love you!! It's a fun thing to practice doing, making a point to tell your spouse when you think of them, and think about how special they are to you!

This weekend is Father's Day, and although I realize that some people wouldn't celebrate mother's day & father's when they are pregnant, because the baby isn't "here".. that isn't how we roll. The day we found out we were pregnant was the day we officially became parents. So Michael celebrated me on Mother's day, and I intend to celebrate him on Father's day.

When Michael and I were dating he used to write me an email every morning, and also would write me notes during school. So, for Mother's day he wrote me a letter and it was the best gift!! I have read it over many times since then. Telling me why he thought I'd be a great mom, why he loves me, and how much he loves our baby already. It was thoughtful and personal, and made my day. (On a side note.. a very exciting side note, the reality of me being a mom sunk in big time yesterday - I felt my baby move for the first time. Made my heart beat way too fast. I felt it again today, and it is pure magic!!)

Today on the radio I heard one of my favorite songs, a dave matthews song. Michael and I love Dave Matthews. It made me smile to hear it, because it's how I feel about my guy, my one and only. And now that we are parents, the line about teaching our kids to fly just makes me smile, ear to ear. Give it a listen, it's bound to make you smile. Oh, and go tell your man you love him!

You and Me - Dave Matthews
Wanna pack your bags, 
Something small 
Take what you need and we disappear 
Without a trace we'll be gone, gone 
The moon and the stars can follow the car 
and then when we get to the ocean 
We gonna take a boat to the end of the world  
All the way to the end of the world
 
Oh, and when the kids are old enough 
We're gonna teach them to fly
You and me together, 
we could do anything, Baby 
You and me together 
yes, yes
 
You and I, we're not tied to the ground 
Not falling but rising like rolling around 
Eyes closed above the rooftops 
Eyes closed, we're gonna spin through the stars 
Our arms wide as the sky 
We gonna ride the blue all the way to the end of the world 
To the end of the world 
 
We can always look back at what we did 
All these memories of you and me baby 
But right now it's you and me forever girl 
And you know we could do better than anything that we did 
You know that you and me, we could do anything