i know you're strong

i know i have referenced the band "the weakerthans" before..
my mind often drifts to them when it's a rainy day
or a chilly day
or any day that makes you want to snuggle up in blankets of memories, reminiscing and coziness

the weakerthans have a song titled 'plea from a cat named virtue'
it's a song written from the perspective of a cat, speaking to it's owner
calling the owner on it's behavior & self talk

i wonder if my cats have wondered what has been up with me over the past few months
(and i say this knowing fully well that it could make me sound totally crazy! i do think that my cats are indeed CATS, not my actual friends or beings with thoughts & perspectives. but it's food for thought)
did they notice the shift in my personality?
did they notice when i spent more time crying than i did laughing?
do they notice the laughter coming back? and the tears decreasing??

we never let the cats sleep in our room over night. frankly, they are far too annoying at night. BUT i have noticed that on days when i'm home alone, or feeling down, or spending time curled up just trying to REST.. they want to be there. they curl up against you & will sleep there for hours. do they wonder why somedays it seems like that's all i have done??

i wonder if they would call me on my negative self talk, or words of frustration & bitterness. again, would they notice a change these days? as i make future plans and excitedly talk about life?

i really like this song. always have. it's catchy & poetic, and a mixture of silly & serious.
the last lines are a favorite of mine. the cat basically saying that he wants you to believe you are strong.

i think that through the healing process it's important to: rely on others for help & encouragement. take time to rest, and not feel guilty for it. simplify life so there are less unrealistic expectations & you can enjoy the simple things. have faith. AND... continually tell yourself that you believe you are strong.

here are the lyrics
plea from a cat named virtue
the weakerthans

why don't you ever want to play?
i'm tired of this piece of string
you sleep as much as i do now, and you don't eat much of anything
i don't know who you're talking to, i made a search through every room
but all i found was dust that moved
and shadows of the afternoon

and listen, about those bitter songs you sing - they're not helping anything
they won't make you strong

so we should open up the house
invite the tabby two doors down
you could ask your sister if she doesn't bring her basset hound
ask for things you shouldn't miss
tape-hiss and the modern man
cold water and card catalogues
to join us if they can
for girly drinks and parlour games
we'll pass around the easy lie
of absolutely no regrets
and later maybe you could try
to let your losses dangle off
the sharp edge of a century
talk about the weather or how the weather used to be

lie down, lick the sorrow from your skin
scratch the terror and begin
to believe you're strong

all you ever want to do is drink & watch tv
frankly that thing doesn't really interest me
i swear i'm going to bite you hard and taste your tinny blood
if you don't stop the self defeating lies you've been repeating since the day you brought me home

i know you're strong.

my 26th birthday in pictures

here are some pictures from my "birthday week" - yes i took a birthday week, and as my dad would say i sure was "milking it" :) do it if you can right??

the birthday celebrations begin! cupcakes from c-cups... michael picked them up for us, and i warned him that it was a girly store but didn't warn him about the "questionable" names for each cupcake... he said he had a hard time keeping a straight face while ordering them.

birthday morning. my sister phoebe left me balloons on my mailbox & my inlaws left me a starbucks coffee on my doorstep.

sleepover central! i asked michael if we could have a "sleepover" for my birthday. it's fun to live in the living room for awhile!

my hubby & moi

this is how i found chips in the morning. silly cat.

my mums from audrey :)

this picture makes me laugh because chandler is so ticked off that i was making him pose for a picture.

2 crazy blue-eyed babes.

LOVE this boy.

he was holding my lens cap in his mouth & it looked like a mustache.

presents - even a fresh pineapple from my bro

a delicious steak dinner mmmmm

a gift from my fellow old navy lover (does that sound weird) thanks asha! 

a lovely gift & card from a lovely friend, lisa

french toast breakie with the thiessens.

an oreo cupcake

a few games of take-4 with phoebz

i thought this picture was cute. at one point i was sitting at the table alone and 3 cameras were taking pictures of me. talk about paparazzi. so here phoebe & dad are keeping me company.

mmm smartie blizzard icecream cake

my gift from phoebe. "get on your snuggieeeeeeee!"

chips found another use for the snuggie box

all in all, it was a great birthday! i'm sure you can tell that from the pictures!!

the lorica

i bind unto myself today
the gift to call on the trinity
the saving faith where I can say
"come three in one, oh one in three"

be above me as high as the noon-day sun
be below me, the rock i set my feet upon
be beside me, the wind on my left & right
be behind me & circle me with your truth & light

i bind unto myself today
the love of angels & seraphim
the prayers & prophesies of saints
the words & deeds of righteous men

God's ear to hear me
God's hand to guide me
God's might to uphold me
God's shield to hide me
against all powers deceiving
against my own unbelieving
whether near or far

i bind unto myself today
the hope to rise from the dust of earth
the songs of nature giving praise
to Father, Spirit, Living Word

be above me as high as the noon-day sun

be below me, the rock i set my feet upon

be beside me, the wind on my left & right

be behind me & circle me with your truth & light

i bind unto myself today
the gift to call on the trinity

steve bell sings this song on his cd "devotion" - i know he didn't write it, but i don't have the name infront of me right now. either way, you should buy the cd & listen to it

i find this song empowering
i often listen to it on repeat
or sing it to myself
i wish i could play the guitar like steve bell
but for now i'll settle with just listening to him

when my grandma went into the hospital i wrote the words of the chorus on a card & brought it to her. i remember sitting on her bed & i asked her if i could read her what i had written. she of course said yes! i told her it was a prayer of hope for both her & i. "that God will be above us, as high as the noon-day sun. that he'll be below us. and be the rock that we set our feet upon. we can claim in truth that he will be beside us, like the wind on the left & right. he'll be behind us, and circle us with his truth & light"

we have the privilege & the choice each day to "bind unto myself today" the gift to call on the trinity. to call on God. to claim his promises. not only to thank him for another day of grace but to live in it like you really truly know it & believe it that his grace is for ME. and you :)

why do i find it so much easier to live in my own guilt & frustrations? forgetting to call out? there is the saying "you always want what you can't have" but in this case.. i can have it!

come three in one. one in three.
lets try to live through the words of the lorica.

twenty six

i'm 26.
officially, as of 4:20pm yesterday.
26 is kind of a funny age
nothing really to get worked up about
or stressed out over
i joked with my brother that at least i wasn't turning 29 like he did ;)
26
has a nice ring to it
i was married on the 26th day of september
26
i'm very different than i was at 6. and 16. even than i was at 20 or 23. infact, i feel like a very different person than i was at this point last year.

i'm going to post some of my favorite pictures from my 'birthday week' once it's over (we're celebrating with mike's family on saturday) but for now, i thought i'd reflect on 26 things about the past year & who i am becoming!

1. i have officially spent a full year loving, snuggling & smooching my 2nd nephew everett. if you want to learn how deeply you can love, become an auntie! he is really my favorite person in the world!
2. last year at this time i had my emergency gall bladder removal surgery. happy to not have to worry about any more attacks, but sadly, it's made me enjoy coffee (and acid reflux) much less (not like i ever liked acid reflux... i think you know what i mean)
3. i had 3 different jobs within the last year. as a customer service rep at a book publisher, a recreation therapist at a care home & a secretary at a baptist church.
4. i have found a job that i LOVE. today i came to work an hour & a half early (we are down to 1 car this week.. so it's taken some adjusting... and michael could only drop me off at 7:30am) and i didn't even mind! i was actually quite proud of the progress i had made by my regular start time of 9. being a church secretary is wonderful.
5. i have started to write more (especially on here) and i find that writing really helps me put my thoughts together. sometimes i start typing, with no idea where i'm going with it, and suddenly my thoughts have magically been put into words.
6. i finally admitted that i need help. i spent a large part of the last year in a haze, having forgotten who i was, and really just falling apart. this has been humbling. and healing.
7. to go with the last point, i took the first anti-depressants in my life. i have found what life is like when the dose is too high & i become numb. but thankfully i have found what life is like when the right dose can level out the chemicals in my body & i can be ME.
8. in the last year i travelled to ontario & bc to see 2 dear friends of mine marry 2 wonderful men. 
9. i have learned how to communicate better with michael. in this last year we have laughed more than all the years before combined. we have found a wonderful rhythm in our marriage and i am SO thankful for him every day.
10. i bought my first ever BRAND NEW car. 'tucker' our 2010 hyundai tucson. he suckered me in with his dual sunroofs...
11. we made the tough choice this year to start pursuing a new church home. we have really been loving the open arms of the church we have started attending. and we're thankful for a fresh start.
12. this year i spent many hours singing to my grandma. chatting with her. teasing her. doing "mind exercises" with her (aka word find puzzles). praying with her. and missing her.
13. i took over 2000 pictures of my dear everett. a little much?? nah.
14. this year i camped with mike's family on probably the coldest weekend ever. i am a 'cabin' girl, but i do love a good weekend or two roughing it in a tent. it is always wonderful to camp with the thiessens!
15. this year we were able to take another wonderful trip away to warmer lands with my family. nothing beats sipping pina coladas with your feet dangling in an infinity pool, with the ocean on the horizon and the sun spilling over your shoulders.. and robbie doing "sexy poses" in the background... ok, maybe robbie was a bit much. 
16. is anyone still reading this?
17. this year i tried many new recipes. both sweet & savory. i love to bake & cook, especially if i can share it with people i love!
18. this year i officially quit facebook, and officially committed to pursuing deeper relationships with my handful of wonderful friends (including my family of course!)
19. this year i received MUCH support from my family. and feel like i have been getting to know my siblings in a much deeper and personal way. not sure where i'd be without them.
20. i got my nose pierced!
21. i have felt challenged in my faith. realizing it is a daily choice to live for christ & that "being a christian" needs to actual be a verb, not just a statement. realizing that i hate apathy, but am often guilty of it.
22. this year i have washed the dishes, cooked, baked & watched tv in my own home, naked. much to the shock of my sister leah ;)
23. i have embraced the fact that i LOVE taking baths. and i take one every other day. and normally watch an episode of either the office or gilmore girls. thanks to my hubby who sets up the laptop on a bench in the bathroom for me.
24. i have become even more of a crazy cat person. and i tell way to many stories where they are the main character. sorry about that.
25. i have been really embracing our house as our home. it was strange to me for awhile because i had been in our house when it belonged to friends of ours. so, slowly but surely i have been painting & doing some changes to help it feel more like OUR house. we are very fortunate for such a lovely place to live.
26. i finally got my piano tuned. after 25+ years of no tuning. and have spent many hours playing on it, and singing to my hearts content.

26. a good sounding number.

a good year ahead.

here is a sneak peek of my favorite birthday pictures:

melon-y springtime.

its another grey day
sometimes i think that the sun actual shines brighter on grey days
the sky may be dull looking, but my living room is bright with day light

and a fresh coat of paint!

i decided that my living room was probably jealous of my kitchen's fresh new look. so i picked a paint chip & had michael bring me home a can of paint called "springtime" - or as I call it, a wonderful shade of melon-y honeydew. a week later, everything is back in place and the day light is spilling through the window onto my wonderfully green living room.

it's been a full monday already. coffee & banana bread with my sis - phoebe. laundry & sister-wives watching with carmyn. lunch & birthday cake with audrey & carmyn. and now i have some beautiful new earrings, and some beautiful pink mums. love it. hopefully i'll have a visit from shauna & joel this afternoon & my goal is to make salted caramels. however, i may just lounge - sipping tea & soaking up the comfort of a grey day.

the before picture - michael wanted me to keep the furniture like this, because it was fun to lay on the couch when they were pushed together like a mega couch!

after!

and this last picture is to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to one of my bestests. my dear EM. i can't wait to celebrate together in May!!