relaxation - a monday.

today was a FULL day.
my wonderful, fabulous, lovely, coveted DAY OFF. mondays are MY DAY. and i love that.
my goal for mondays will be laundry. relaxing. biblestudy. reading. and a morning coffee date with one of my sisters - phoebe.

today ended up being more full than that. i had my wonderful coffee date with phoebe
one of my favorite ladies, and one of my *new* favorite beverages:
nonfat caramel americano misto

then it was off to the dermatologist
who is probably the strangest person i have ever met. you sit in a chair beside his desk & he talks into a microphone attached to his computer. the computer types as he talks, so he says things like "period" or "new paragraph". when he's diagnosing you he says something like this:
"january 31st 2011 period
a 25 year old female has returned for a followup appointment regarding siskeosnaiwhpsia (or whatever diagnosis he makes up!) period
new paragraph
my recommendation to her is that she should begin taking advil again and if the leg swells up again she should call me immediately period"
and the whole time he's talking he just stares at you. super weird.

anyway, then it was off to reitmans, where the mennonite in me had a major party. i purchased 2 winter coats, a scarf and a pair of earrings for.... 58 dollars!! and the one coat was originally 170. that my friends, is bargain shopping.

then i embarked on my very first solo costco expedition. that is dangerous my friends.  by the end i could barely push my cart it was so full.. the only downside of that trip was having to unload the car alone when i got home. cat litter is HEAVY!

then i kicked into relaxation mode. enjoying a few of my favorite things:

• a good book (currently reading eat pray love by elizabeth gilbert)
• a hot bath in my wonderfully deep & big bath tub
• an episode of the gilmore girls
• a few slices of dried mango
• snuggling with both of my sleepy kittens (chips & chandler)
• an episode of project runway
• and a deliciously refreshing rum & diet pepsi

soon i will be at bible study, which i am always terribly excited for

and (on a much different, more worldly side of me) my pvr will be taping the newest episode of the bachelor which i will watch with my husband later.

ahh the joy of mondays.

favorites of the day

i'm copying a blogpost idea from my friend christine
and sharing a few etsy favorites of the day
things i'd love to buy, but instead i'll admire them from afar!

sunshineartdesign

melindamilkshake

sewenglish

sewnnatural

stacyleigh

catherinereece

feltjar

nomadicnotebook

photographic relief

two posts in one day.. maybe a little much
but i decided to share a little via the art of photography

one is a picture i found while googling for an image on 'obeying God rather than men' - not sure how this photo fit into that, other than that it proclaims the greatness of God - his creative spirit & his masterful skill
for me today, this picture reminded me of an all powerful, faithful, creative, caring friend, Jesus.

this second picture is purely to make you laugh.
in the summer i attended a conference for the organization i worked with
sometimes the sessions ran quite long, and i was required to sit at a book table outside of them.. so sometimes the time dragged.
my friend audrey & i decided to embrace the time using post-it notes & photobooth. since then, taking silly photos with photobooth can make me laugh till my eyes fill with tears. i try to contort my face & expressions into the silliest forms, and then laugh & laugh at the result. i had some extra time on my hands this afternoon so i took some pictures to send to Audrey. and now i'll share one here. have a laugh. you are never too old or mature to be silly.

elephant

not sure what i love so much about this photograph but i love it. perhaps its the feeling of abandon.

it's been a different week
in some ways i feel like some weight is lifted
in other ways i feel like i'm in a bit of a strange fog

monday was my last day at the care home. i work alone on monday evenings, so at the end of the night, i turned off the office lights, left my keys on the desk and closed that chapter of my journey - for now. i only told one of the residents that i wouldn't be returning. i said "is that ok?" and she said "no" and i said "no?" to which she replied "i already miss you during the week since you are only here 2 times. and now it will be worse!" bittersweet.

instantly i feel like i have more time, and more space
oddly enough though, i feel more like retreating inward.
seeing very few people
keeping my safe circle quite small
i feel very vulnerable

it has been good to not be on facebook so far this week.
i have read more.
studied the bible & the life of David.
baked cookies.
watched episodes of the office and laughed out loud.
taken baths.
snuggled with my husband.

i think that the medication has begun to kick in. i have been crying less, but at the same time feeling less in general. i hope that won't always be the case.

i have been thinking a lot about loss. and trauma. living in fear & anxiety. trusting Jesus, while knowing that trusting doesn't mean being exempt from hardship. wishing (sometimes) to be able to go back in time to my old naive self.

i have been following the candace derksen trial, reading articles, courtroom reports and Wilma's blog.
reading about the choice of forgiveness.
and realizing that at times i am still refusing to forgive Jesus for letting me down. for allowing such loss & devastation to come on my family and other families. my journey is far from over. and we have seen God's faithfulness. my continual struggle is my humanness, and I think that as I seek to have a heart more like His, eventually I will move to living in complete faith, with no room for fear.

Wilma wrote one blogpost called Elephant and I really like how she explained this one aspect of "trauma" because sometimes i think people who either haven't experienced great loss, or are no longer in that grieving stage don't understand how and why it is so debilitating, and for so long. maybe this will help gain a little understanding - i'm working at settling back into some type of normalcy.

Wilma writes:

During my trauma trainings, I often compare trauma to that of encountering a grizzly bear.

If a grizzly bear would come charging into this room right now, everything as we know it would stop. First of all you would stop listening to me, you would be totally focused on the bear. Some might run, some would freeze, hopefully a few might want to fight it or contain it. Meanwhile, we would be traumatized; some of you might pee your pants.

I know for one thing, none of you could sip a cup of tea, fall asleep, have a conversation with a friend. You couldn’t learn anything new, and wouldn’t be able to share an intimate moment with your partners. You couldn’t read a book… at least not till the animal was somehow contained would we carry on. And even then it would take something to settle back to any kind of normalcy.

a break

so i'm taking a break from facebook
the other day my sister Leah & I were talking about something called "internet numbing" and man, am I guilty of that!!
basically it's sitting on the computer (either on facebook, or reading random blogs of people you don't know at all, or constant internet shopping/browsing etc) and doing something rather mindlessly, or doing something that makes you feel less good about yourself
the first time that we talked about this concept i realized that earlier that day i had spent the good part of an hour browsing an acquaintances photos on facebook and couldn't even tell you what i had been looking at!! mindless.

so, i've decided today to just take a vacation from facebook. even just to get myself used to not going on it every other minute! maybe next week I'll be back on it, or maybe in a few weeks I'll delete it! who knows.

I want to try and spend this week: finishing my job well; resting; reading; bible study; exercise; cooking; organizing and RELAXING.  and perhaps this face-cation will be a healthy step in the healing process.

a break