another day of grace.

it has been so long since i have written, and so much has happened

i'm attempting to study for my exam right now.. but i have given up for the time being.

i've been thinking a lot lately about two things: apathy and bitterness.

i wonder which one is worse? or maybe they are just both not good.

i think that often when a situation happens that causes hurt or a broken relationship it is very difficult to not dwell in that hurt, and allow that hurt to turn to bitterness. i have been thinking about this a lot lately as i feel like there is some hurt in my life that i have allowed to turn into bitterness. i'm struggling with our church community, and feeling as though there are things that i'm not ok with, or have been hurt by, or whatever.. and I need to step back from that. but oh, how i have realized that i have held my church life & my faith life so closely in the same grasp!

the church is the body of Christ - but it is not Christ - it is a human, it is imperfect. it causes hurt and disappointment. it makes mistakes and sometimes forgets to extend grace. it can act as the hands and feet of Jesus. it can extend the true love & grace of Jesus, but how quickly we remain human.

i feel that apathy can be very hurtful, and i feel that sometimes in our faith lives we become apathetic. the beauty of grace is that Jesus continues to love & accept us regardless of how much we fail him. but that is not an invitation to be apathetic! what a realization.

i loved listening to my grandma pray. i have missed that this past month. there were some weeks that I had the privilege of praying with her, or hearing her pray every single day. my grandma was not perfect, but oh, she was good! she was loving, and faithful. she was hard working and selfless. she didn't have an apathetic bone in her body! she had many trials in her life, many things to over come. she became so sick in the last month especially, but even then, she was not apathetic or selfish in her faith. every time she started praying she would say "thank you Lord, for another day of grace". acknowledging the gift, remaining faithful to Jesus by thanking Him for his continuous faithfulness, grace & love.

i think that acknowledging God's grace to us daily is one way to dispel bitterness. to be reminded of grace extended to us so that we realize the importance of extending it to others. never taking that grace for granted. doing away with apathy, and choosing to let go of bitterness & hurt. another day of grace!

loss

i looked up the word loss in the dictionary and there were 15 definitions
i have been thinking a lot about "loss" lately -
thinking about how it is so different for every person, every situation, and even different for the same person on different days.
this blog post is not at all to compare my situation with anyone else.
i know - for a fact! - that i am not the only person that has experienced loss
as well, i know that there are people that have experienced losses that i never have
so this is pure & simple - and strictly about me.

sometimes i wonder if my life has forgotten that i am only 25.
some days i read in my journal things that i have written
or i look at my eyes in the morning from a night full of tears
and wonder if other 25 year olds feel this old inside.
at 25 i have experienced losses that have changed me (i think all loss changes us, but i mean really changed me)
i look at pictures of myself - and my family - from 2-3 years ago and we look different
i think loss has broken parts of myself that are still quite tender
i think loss has taught me a deeper appreciation
a deeper love
i think loss has taught me about friendships and honesty
i think it has exposed
i think loss has brought me closer to other friends who have gone thru or are going thru loss
its made me value laughter, family, touch & faith
it has shown me a deeper, wider, more extravagant loving & faithful Jesus than i had known before.

we are on the verge of another loss. we have been walking through this loss for the last 3 months. we have cried tears, sang songs, prayed in thanksgiving and prayed with requests. we have had times of renewed energy - times to tell grandma why we love her, how much we love her & how thankful we are. i personally have had time to pray with her & over her. asking Jesus to intervene and even to take her home.

loss. in my mind it can be defined in way more than 15 ways. loss is different for me each day, in each circumstance. i was reading in my magazine today about 3 women who lost their husbands in afganistan & one woman said this:
"people tell me that time heals, but it's more like time lets you put a layer of gauze over the hurt. Sometimes it holds and sometimes things leak through."

loss for me is very real. it is not something i wish to sweep away or ignore. i will not lie about the way my heart hurts. but in this situation - in this loss - my loss is her gain. oh to be in the presence of Jesus amidst the angels and the heavenly hosts.

it is well with my soul.

four friends.

alzheimers.

that word pulls different heart strings for me than it did a few months ago.

i'm nearing the end of the 2nd month of working at the personal care home and i am continuing to love it.

i love to share my stories of the way these people have found their way into my heart. ways they make me laugh and ways that they have opened my heart up to their own grief and circumstance.

oh how i wish you could all know them. my new and very dear friends.. their personalities, their stories, their history, their quirks. i have been told often in the last couple of months "thats wonderful what you're doing, but i'm glad its you & not me" - i realize that not everyone is cut out to spend their days 'hanging with seniors' - but for me, it is truly a privilege and something that i deeply love. without breaking their confidentiality, i would like to tell you about a few of my dear friends.

i will change their names, but i would like to tell you about four special people. rita, susie, nicole and ted.

rita. rita loves the color blue. she does not like the color purple, although she will wear her purple dress when everything else is in the laundry. she loves to have her nails painted a color called "pink shock". she collects newspaper articles and 'steals' fake flowers off the bulletin boards & displays. rita has dentures but never bothers to wear them. her smile is contagious and her laughter is constant. rita loves life. she has lived at the PCH for almost 15 years but her outlook on life is positive. she's an encourager in games 'slow & steady now... slow & steady' and a consistent cheer leader. rita's mind has been attacked by alzheimers but her heart has not. she speaks bluntly but loves constantly. i look forward to seeing rita every time i work.

susie. susie loves to walk. continually walking, observing, gathering. susie will pick up anything you put down and will carry it to wherever she is going. susie loves to sing. she loves music. alzheimers has viciously attacked susies mind and it can be quite hard for her to get past those barriers. if you are patient with susie, if you sing to susie, if you encourage susie.. she communicates. she will sing with you, and smile at you. she will tell you she loves you or that she appreciates you. i get a hug daily from susie, she is a very special lady.

nicole. nicole is a fiesty lady. she likes to "hop" behind her walker so that she exercises and never becomes lazy. nicole used to be a nurse - a well known - much appreciated nurse. nicole never married, never had children but she has some wonderful caring mothering qualities. alzheimers has made nicole very confused, but has not attacked her caring spirit. you can still she her nursing care come out in the way she folds laundry, the way she asks about other residents. the other night i found nicole sitting very quietly beside her bed. the blankets had been stripped and folded and she was looking somber. i asked her what was wrong and she told me that the woman who normally lays in that bed has suddenly passed away. no one had been there, so she was going to stay so the lady wouldn't be alone. the alzheimers has made her unaware of her reality a lot of the time, but i was given a glimpse into the way she cared for her patients in the past. the way she sat there, lovingly caring for the lady that was all alone. i love knowing and caring for nicole!

and ted. dear ted! i love coming out of the elevator and seeing ted smiling at me. often waiting for me to show up to take him to the entertainment. ted loves to nap during the day. he always wears slippers and he is often quiet. he loves bingo, loves popcorn twists. he loves music but does not enjoy singing because he thinks he isn't any good! he doesn't know Jesus, but his heart is tender and kind and he is a consistent encouragement. his heart is soft and visible in the way he speaks and acts. ted tells me constantly how thankful he is for the PCH and for each one of us. the world needs more teds.

alzheimers. a vicious horrible disease. but what a gift to be able to have time to look past it and learn about my friends. their history, their quirks, their loves, what makes them laugh and what pulls on their heart strings. my wonderful, dear special friends!

mountains

i used to want to be a writer - because i liked the feeling of the keyboard, the sound of how it clicked and watching my thoughts appear on the screen ahead of me
i used to want to be a trucker - because i could eat donuts all day and burp without anyone telling me not to (i was much younger when this was my dream...)
i used to want to be a speech therapist - to help people overcome issues that keep them from being able to fully express themselves, and help people overcome obstacles in their way
i currently still wish to be a rec therapist - i am currently working part time as one - but i don't yet get to do the job entirely (charting etc) because i am not yet done the schooling
right now though.. right now.. i just want to be settled.

i feel like i'm surrounded by mini mountains - mini obstacles.
trusting God & following a .4 job - which caused me to run face first into a new mountain of leaving a full time job. those of you who have heard the whole story know the ins & outs of this situation.
it is hard for me because i feel out of control.. i'm job sharing my position as they look for my replacement and i feel as though i'm constantly sorting my way out of a foggy foggy day. i sort the work, the emails, the letters, the cheques, the orders, the invoices, the messages into piles and start.. one by one.

i'm waiting to hear back from one potential job, and trying to fully decide about a 2nd interview i've been offered for another position. clarity? i suppose the best way to find clarity in this is on my knees - prayer & trust. sounds so easy!

thankfully amongst all of these mountains there are beautiful sights. multiple hugs a day from one of my ladies, an encouraging "you're really good at helping us" from one of my favorite gentlemen, an invitation back for future conversations with a lady that is normally very quiet, a tearful moment with a very special lady going through loss, the sound of my nephew learning new "words" to babble, the sight of wratw coming to fruition, the fact that my grandma still has the same humor - trust - faith - love despite all of her circumstances, and last night - the invitation from one of my ladies to "watch my favorite television show with me" she said she'd been hoping all day to bump into me so she could invite me to 'hang out'

such wonderful things. now if only i could feel settled!

oh what peace we often forfeit
oh what needless pain we bear
all because we do not carry
everything to God in prayer...

a song i've sung to my grandma a few times over the last week - so true for me everyday.
trust & pray!

happy anniversary to us!

last night as i was about to fall asleep i said to michael "two years ago tonight, i could barely sleep with excitement!"

and i woke up today thinking "two years ago i woke up for the most fabulous day, when i married my best friend!!"

two years ago... in some ways it seems like just the other day, and in other ways it feels like way more than 2 years (in a good way!)

i think that michael & i have had to go through many things that most people our age have not dealt with and maybe never will. i think that we had to lean on one another in ways that newlyweds normally don't have to worry about! but I am so glad for my man. so glad for the way we have walked through grief and hard times together. so glad that he was there to see Jay. so glad he was there by my side anxiously awaiting Everett. so glad he has been by my side as we work through church life. and so thankful for the way he is ok with my many tears as i go over this rollercoaster of emotion with grandma's health. so glad that he gets to work side by side with my dad & brother making the retreat centre become a reality! we are in this life, side by side.

yesterday i was sitting & visiting with one of my ladies at the carehome, and i was asking her all about her family etc. i asked her to tell me about when she met her husband, when they got married etc. and she told me that this summer they celebrated 70 years! 70!!! i asked her if she loved her husband more today than she did when she married him, and she said "well... Yes. in so many ways i love him way more. but i also worry about him way more! but no, i just love him" i told her that my goal was to be celebrating my 70th anniversary one day too :)

michael - i love you, you are my best friend! i love that you laugh at my jokes, that you listen to my stories and tell me your thoughts and dreams. i love waking up beside you and doing life side by side with you. two years ago we made a promise in front of all of our family, friends and God to love one another forever and I am happy to have the privilege to do just that! happy anniversary, i love you!