happy anniversary to us!

last night as i was about to fall asleep i said to michael "two years ago tonight, i could barely sleep with excitement!"

and i woke up today thinking "two years ago i woke up for the most fabulous day, when i married my best friend!!"

two years ago... in some ways it seems like just the other day, and in other ways it feels like way more than 2 years (in a good way!)

i think that michael & i have had to go through many things that most people our age have not dealt with and maybe never will. i think that we had to lean on one another in ways that newlyweds normally don't have to worry about! but I am so glad for my man. so glad for the way we have walked through grief and hard times together. so glad that he was there to see Jay. so glad he was there by my side anxiously awaiting Everett. so glad he has been by my side as we work through church life. and so thankful for the way he is ok with my many tears as i go over this rollercoaster of emotion with grandma's health. so glad that he gets to work side by side with my dad & brother making the retreat centre become a reality! we are in this life, side by side.

yesterday i was sitting & visiting with one of my ladies at the carehome, and i was asking her all about her family etc. i asked her to tell me about when she met her husband, when they got married etc. and she told me that this summer they celebrated 70 years! 70!!! i asked her if she loved her husband more today than she did when she married him, and she said "well... Yes. in so many ways i love him way more. but i also worry about him way more! but no, i just love him" i told her that my goal was to be celebrating my 70th anniversary one day too :)

michael - i love you, you are my best friend! i love that you laugh at my jokes, that you listen to my stories and tell me your thoughts and dreams. i love waking up beside you and doing life side by side with you. two years ago we made a promise in front of all of our family, friends and God to love one another forever and I am happy to have the privilege to do just that! happy anniversary, i love you!

your praise goes on

your praise goes on : jon buller

the moon is high and the sunset fades, lullabies have all been sung

we're tucking in another day - stars appear now one by one

the stillness moves and the silence yields, not a single beat is lost

you can hear the chorus in the fields - taking up where we left off

and your praise goes on

rising to Your throne

where you guide us while we dream

past the stars they fly

your praises fill the sky

till the setting of the sun

and Your praise goes on

bring your warmth oh morning sun, chase the stars and the moon away

wake us with your brightest dawn - add our voice to your refrain

rise up everything that lives, clap your hands and leap for joy

forest lift your arms and sway - clap your hands you ocean waves

and your praise goes on

rising to Your throne

where you bless our toil and play

through the clouds they rise

your praises fill the skies

till the setting of the sun

and Your praise goes on

when my final breath you lend

I'll thank you for the life you've gave

but that won't mean the praises end

cause I won't be silenced by the grave

and Your praise goes on

I'll be running to your throne

with every nation tribe and tongue

to your arms I'll fly

I'll gaze into your eyes

then I'll know, as I am known

and Your praise goes on

and Your praise goes on

and Your praise goes on...

being home in the morning is a new privilege for me with my new job. two mornings a week I can be home, alone. or do errands or sleep or read or pray or sing... the mornings are a gift to me. this morning my aunt had emailed me asking me about pictures of my grandma and songs that we could use for her slideshow. Auntie Corinna and I worked on grandpa's slideshow together last time as well, and it was very special to be able to show it to him before he died. Maybe we'll have the same privilege with Grandma. the above song is one that just brought tears to my eyes thinking about Grandma meeting Jesus.

truth is - Grandma is likely leaving us very shortly. her cancer is out of control. her calcium and creatine levels are higher than they should ever be. her blood is low and getting lower. a few days ago she was so confused that all I could do was weep beside her bed.

I wrote on facebook the other day that "preparing to let go of someone is a little easier when you know she is longing to run into the arms of Jesus". I believe that Grandma has glimpses of heaven. that she is ready to run to Jesus.

Leah and I were talking about Heaven the other day and I love the way she was describing it to me the way she sees it because it fit the way that I see it as well. we don't think it will be this huge "zoom" of transformation from this world to the next. but rather it will be like the perfect and complete feeling of content. of being home. everyone you have ever loved will be there. and you will be known. I believe that Grandma is so ready to feel that love wash over her. I believe she is getting glimpses of sitting next to Grandpa again, of hearing his voice and no longer feeling like half of her is gone. I think he is ready to have her by his side again.

I will always miss her, this side of heaven. but I am so ready to let her run and gaze into the eyes of Jesus.

and Your praise goes on...

twenties girl

chick lit - is genre fiction within women's fiction which addresses issues of modern women often humorously and lightheartedly. Although sometimes it includes romantic elements, it is generally not considered a direct subcategory of the romance novel genre, because in chick lit the heroine's relationships with her family or friends may be just as important as her romantic ones

over the last couple of years i've re-realized my love of reading. i love to get lost in a novel, in the characters & relationships. sometimes i get so involved in the story line that i will jump ahead on the page to try & get a sneak peak as to how the conversation on the page will work itself out. sometimes i'll cry with the characters, or laugh outloud. often i can not do much else until i'm done reading it, and then feel a little put-off that my relationship with these characters is over, and does not come alive outside of the pages!

this weekend i've been lost in a sophie kinsella novel. i think she is a wonderfully clever writer. it may not be anything earth shattering but the story line weaves in and out of itself & many times i feel personally invested in her characters. this novel is called "twenties girl" and i feel like it couldn't have come at a better time in my life... not because i'm in my twenties - although that seems like the obvious connection.

tomorrow i am starting a new job. walking into the doors of the therapeutic recreation world for the first official time. there have been teeny glimmers of nervousness, but in general i am just very truly excited. i love the idea of working to improve quality of life - dignity - respect - enjoyment! how does this connect to a piece of chick-lit you may ask? well.. allow me to make the connection

the main character in the story is Lara, and her great-aunt Sadie has passed away & comes back as a ghost, asking Lara to help her find this old necklace. whenever Sadie appears, she is back in her twenties. she died at 105, but she felt the most alive in her 20's. Lara goes on a date for Sadie, complete in a flapper dress, and dances the charleston... all for Sadie. At one point Lara decides to go back to Sadie's care home, and she brings along some CD's from the 20's - an era that many of the seniors would have lived through. And this is the portion that i just loved:

on the other side of the room, an old man sitting under a tartan blanket with a tank of oxygen next to him turns his head. I can see the light of recognition coming on in faces around the room. Somebody starts humming along in a quavery voice. One woman even begins tapping her hand, her whole self lit up with pleasure...

i feel a sudden lump in my throat as i watch. They are all Sadie inside, aren't they? They're all in their twenties inside. All that white hair and wrinkled skin is just cladding. The old man with the oxygen tank was probably once a dashing heartthrob. That woman with distant rheumy eyes was once a mischievous young girl who played pranks on her friends. They were all young with love affairs and friends and parties and an endless life ahead of them..

and as I'm standing there, the weirdest thing happens. It's as if I can see them, the way they were. I can see their young, vibrant selves, rising up out of their bodies, shaking off their old-ness, starting to dance with each other to the music. They're all dancing the Charleston, kicking up their heels skittishly, their hair dark and strong, their limbs lithe again, and they're laughing, clutching each other's hands, throwing back their heads, revelling in it -

where the world sees a room full of the negativities of oldness - i see a room full of life, personality - of twenties guys & girls.

simply taking life & rest and joy & peace

i have been meaning to sit down and write for SO long

and now i find myself with a couple of hours to kill in the toronto airport, so i will finally update.

once again, i have found myself in a very busy & full life

i am just returning from a mini-vaction of sorts

i flew to toronto on wednesday and spent a few days with jo, then picked up cheryl in hamilton and spent the next couple of days with her and adrienne. last night we had the privilege of witnessing our dear friend, Lauren, exchange vows with her love!

the service brought me right back to my wedding day, and the bittersweet-ness of it

don't get me wrong, my day was so sweet. so wonderful and dreamlike and near perfection

but the entire day, i was missing Jay - and i knew that the day would have only been better had he been there. such grief amid a very happy day.

Lauren lost her mom this past winter, and i couldn't help but imagine Marilyn soaking it all in the entire day. watching the sparkle of lauren's dress in the sunlight, the twinkle in her eyes as she spoke to Gary

the smell of her flowers (her mom's favorite ones) or the way Marilyn's jewelery fell perfectly around Lauren's neck. the savory meal and the taste of the many desserts at the buffet as they would have rolled over her tongue. i imagined the way she would have watched Lauren and the way she would have walked together with her husband.

tears rolled down my cheeks as i listened to her Dad share words written by her mom a few years ago, and as he spoke with such love for their daughter, my dear friend!

he was, as Lauren put it, the perfect mother of the bride & an even better father of the bride

bitter-bitter-sweet.

some things just do not make sense to us - cancer being one of those things.

while being away this week, i have missed sitting beside my grandma's bed, chatting with her as the cancer is over taking her body, but not her spirit.

she has the same sparkle in her eyes, and the same sweet laughter.

the other day i sat by her bed and sang over her, and together we lifted our eyes and hearts heavenward. she nodded along as i sang

tis so sweet to trust in Jesus

just to take him at his word

just to rest upon his promise

and to know, "thus saith the Lord"

Jesus Jesus - how I trust him!

how I've proved him over & o'er

Jesus Jesus - precious Jesus

oh for grace to trust him more

Oh, how sweet to trust in Jesus

just to trust his cleansing blood

and in simple faith to plunge me

'neath the healing, cleansing flood

Yes, 'tis sweet to trust in Jesus,

just from sin and self to cease;

just from Jesus simply taking

Life & rest, and joy & peace

I'm so glad I learned to trust You.

Precious Jesus, Savior - friend.

and I know that You are with me

will be with me to the end

Jesus Jesus - how we trust you!

How we've proved you over & o'er

Jesus Jesus - precious Jesus

Oh for grace to trust You more...

trusting Jesus makes the bittersweet sweeter.

flips and spins. and holding on!

i am a big fan of rollercoasters

the faster the better

the more flips, the more fun!

i was having a conversation with my friends youngest son the other day

we were sitting in their van chatting

and he was telling me about how much he loves rollercoasters

he was quite impressed when i said that i love them too

and we both claimed to love them more than the other person ever could!

we decided that we would just have to ride some rollercoasters together in the future so that we could settle that conversation :)

the last couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster of another - less fun - variety

i feel like the summer has been a blur. between mom&dad's move, my work conference, weddings, traveling, working, heat wave... it's just been a big blur.

last week the rollercoaster took some more extreme heights and extreme lows.

grandma had another scare with her health, and i was preparing to say goodbye to her

on saturday i sat in the hospital basically all day, and i spent some time praying that Jesus would take her home.

but the rollercoaster has taken some more twists and turns as she has been improving. i am SO thankful for the amount of time i'm able to spend sitting with her, and i would not trade this for the world.

the rollercoaster continues to move as her cancer has spread.

i'm learning that Jesus wants to ride along with me, with us.

grandma has an exceptional way of rolling with life as it comes. i think she is ready to see Jesus.

to see grandpa, and omi. to hold Jay and play with him amongst the angels. to see her Dad who she last saw when she was 6.

ready, but also still ever present in loving being with us while she is.

trying to trust. with every twist & turn.