i think honesty is underused and underrated.
honesty with ourselves, honesty with God, honesty with friends, with grief, with joy, with the church. honesty with family, with insecurity, with passion...
i've been thinking about honesty for the last few weeks. finding it ironic that we can even be dishonest within ourselves! how odd... i find that journaling (thoughts, emotions, exercise, food, prayers) will really point out where we are being dishonest with ourselves, which is probably why it gets neglected!
i have been thinking about the negative names that honesty is often given: strong personality, stubborn, mean, insensitive, dwelling in the past, stuck, painful, frustrating.. at least in my own life experiences. (* sometimes i think people use the term "honesty" to get away with being mean or stubborn.. that isn't what I'm meaning here!)
this whole thinking about honesty really hit me in the face when I was in a few conversations etc. over the course of a few days where I felt like honesty was not allowed. either I would be stepping on toes, or boring someone, or hurting feelings, or causing an argument. None of which was the heart behind my desire to be honest. I really value honesty, and when a relationship or conversation becomes surface.. I just don't really see the point.
I've also been realizing times where I haven't cut someone else enough slack, when they were being honest.. even if it meant retelling me the same stories over and over. They were/are being real, and being honest as they work things through.
So, honesty.
In all honesty.. I think about Jay everyday of my life. I wonder what it would be like to smell his skin or kiss his cheeks. I wonder what his voice would sound like, and I wonder what color his eyes would be. I still think about the hurt, and the loss.. because it is ever-present! I will never tire of bringing him up in conversation.. because that is the only way I can experience being his auntie right now!
In all honesty.. I have been hurt by lack of support from some, weird distance from others and baffled by actions of some others. At the same time, other friendships have been strengthened by support & the way they stumbled with me through all of this. That hurt... still hits me in the face a lot, and I'm working to let it go, but sometimes it's just too much.
In all honesty.. I am learning to let go of insecurities and fully love myself. Which also means learning to let my husband love me with all of those insecurities! (it's a good thing I have him!). someone told me that their daughter decided one of her first steps she would take (after the recent beth moore simulcast) was to start saying "thank you" when her husband complimented her.. rather than trying to convince him he was wrong! sounds like a good first step to me.
i'm not really sure how to end this. I really value honesty, and i'm trying to figure this out!
thank you to those who always allow me to be honest. xo
honesty | insight | and iced coffee.
April 27, 2010
April 4, 2010
He is risen!!
Today is Easter sunday... and I have spent the morning at home alone (well, with my 2 kitties)
I really wanted to go to church, but I still don't have the energy to go & to sit there for the service. So I decided to spend the morning with some good music playing on our stereo, with a home made italian soda, with a cozy blanket, my bible & my beth moore study.
I got behind on the study a few weeks ago.. so I have been catching up a lot this week. I think that God gave this study to me this morning, as I cried while I read the account of the resurrection of Jesus & read about it also from the angel's perspective.
I was blessed this morning by Jesus & I am celebrating his saving grace & his resurrection! I was also very blessed by the words Beth put into this study & I hope they will bless you too.
(Taken from "A woman's heart: God's Dwelling Place" by Beth Moore)
How the heavenly hosts must adore God's precious Son, as anxious as they were to shout His blessed birth announcement, as compelled as they were to minister to His every need in the wilderness! How they must have begged the Father for release the day the nails were driven into His flesh!...
(When Mary entered the tomb she did not find the body of Jesus, but she found two angels that "gleamed like lightning". One sat at the head & the other at the foot of the place where Jesus' body had been.)
Can you imagine the divine appointment as God called out the names of two of His cherubim and beckoned them before the throne, then sent them to earth to guard the most precious body that ever lived?
Surely as the body of their beloved lay in that tomb, those two angels stood constant guard, one at the head, one at the feet, facing one another with wings outstretched, feet practically melted into position, eyes cast solidly in one direction. Surely their gaze never wavered from the One they adored. Their eyes were fixed securely on His own. Not a single angelic muscle must have twitched, awaiting the Father's promise.
Then those eyes - those penetrating eyes that saw the pain of a leprous man, the eyes that set free a woman at a well, the eyes that saw a "rock" instead of a fumbling disciple - those piercing eyes began to open.
And with the sound of mighty, rushing waters, their wings propelled them straight into the heavens with the dearest cry a pair of spiritual ears would ever hear: He is risen!
I really wanted to go to church, but I still don't have the energy to go & to sit there for the service. So I decided to spend the morning with some good music playing on our stereo, with a home made italian soda, with a cozy blanket, my bible & my beth moore study.
I got behind on the study a few weeks ago.. so I have been catching up a lot this week. I think that God gave this study to me this morning, as I cried while I read the account of the resurrection of Jesus & read about it also from the angel's perspective.
I was blessed this morning by Jesus & I am celebrating his saving grace & his resurrection! I was also very blessed by the words Beth put into this study & I hope they will bless you too.
(Taken from "A woman's heart: God's Dwelling Place" by Beth Moore)
How the heavenly hosts must adore God's precious Son, as anxious as they were to shout His blessed birth announcement, as compelled as they were to minister to His every need in the wilderness! How they must have begged the Father for release the day the nails were driven into His flesh!...
(When Mary entered the tomb she did not find the body of Jesus, but she found two angels that "gleamed like lightning". One sat at the head & the other at the foot of the place where Jesus' body had been.)
Can you imagine the divine appointment as God called out the names of two of His cherubim and beckoned them before the throne, then sent them to earth to guard the most precious body that ever lived?
Surely as the body of their beloved lay in that tomb, those two angels stood constant guard, one at the head, one at the feet, facing one another with wings outstretched, feet practically melted into position, eyes cast solidly in one direction. Surely their gaze never wavered from the One they adored. Their eyes were fixed securely on His own. Not a single angelic muscle must have twitched, awaiting the Father's promise.
Then those eyes - those penetrating eyes that saw the pain of a leprous man, the eyes that set free a woman at a well, the eyes that saw a "rock" instead of a fumbling disciple - those piercing eyes began to open.
And with the sound of mighty, rushing waters, their wings propelled them straight into the heavens with the dearest cry a pair of spiritual ears would ever hear: He is risen!
April 2, 2010
his banner over me is love
i have always liked the song "Who I am" by Jessica Andrews.. especially the chorus:
I am Rosemary's granddaughter
A spitting image of my father
And when the day is done my momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless & I'm clumsy
But I've got friends that love me
They know just where I stand
It's all a part of me
That's who I am
I have been thinking about this for awhile.. "who I am", identity, self worth, purpose etc.. and have struggled with self confidence & worth. A dear friend of mine & I talked about this.. wondering about God's timing and purpose in our lives. I find that it is easy to be happy about God's timing & to trust his purpose when we feel like we are following along at the same pace! But when the bumps in the road throw us off.. well it impairs our vision.
That night I sat at my piano and started to sing. I chose a song that I love.. and as I sang it, I realized that it was for this dear friend. I talk to God through the songs at my piano, and I truly believe that He talks to me the same way. Sometimes I choose a song, and then realize that it was exactly what God had been trying to say to me! So I sat there, and cried, and sang, and cried tears for my friend. Not of sadness, but of incredible joy. God was telling me who she was, she was & is... His beloved. that's who I am. that's who YOU are.
I shared it with her, and have sang it many times since then at my piano. I have often played for her.. and we have cried together. Such a gift to cry together over such incredible love & purpose.
Today is Good Friday. GOOD because it was the day that Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice of love. The day he decided to end the need for other physical altars & sacrifices. The day He was beaten, broken, mocked... to show me & you that we ARE his beloved. The hands that made the world, all the animals, every star & every cloud. The hands that wipe my tears & the hands that pray for me. Those hands were pierced & nailed to the cross.. because I am His. His banner over me, is love. Because I am my beloved's & He is mine.
May you be blessed today, and know that YOU are HIS beloved. Also, I would be delighted to sing this song to any of you, when I sing it, I pray that others will know these words to be true for them as well.
Your Beloved : The Tree
Lord it was You, who created the heavens
Lord it was Your hand, that put the stars in their place
Lord it is Your voice, that commands the morning
Even oceans and their waves will bow at your feet, O God!
Lord, who am I compared to Your glory?
Lord, who am I compared to Your majesty?
O God..
I'm Your beloved.
Your creation.
And You love me as I am.
You've called me chosen, for Your kingdom.
Unashamed to call me Your own.
I'm Your beloved... I'm Your beloved.. I'm Your beloved.
Christ's indestructible life did not simply allow Him to assume a title of honor. It allowed Him to burst open every believer's grave & shout, "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" (I Cor. 15:55) *taken from "A Women's Heart: God's dwelling place" by Beth Moore
I am Rosemary's granddaughter
A spitting image of my father
And when the day is done my momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless & I'm clumsy
But I've got friends that love me
They know just where I stand
It's all a part of me
That's who I am
I have been thinking about this for awhile.. "who I am", identity, self worth, purpose etc.. and have struggled with self confidence & worth. A dear friend of mine & I talked about this.. wondering about God's timing and purpose in our lives. I find that it is easy to be happy about God's timing & to trust his purpose when we feel like we are following along at the same pace! But when the bumps in the road throw us off.. well it impairs our vision.
That night I sat at my piano and started to sing. I chose a song that I love.. and as I sang it, I realized that it was for this dear friend. I talk to God through the songs at my piano, and I truly believe that He talks to me the same way. Sometimes I choose a song, and then realize that it was exactly what God had been trying to say to me! So I sat there, and cried, and sang, and cried tears for my friend. Not of sadness, but of incredible joy. God was telling me who she was, she was & is... His beloved. that's who I am. that's who YOU are.
I shared it with her, and have sang it many times since then at my piano. I have often played for her.. and we have cried together. Such a gift to cry together over such incredible love & purpose.
Today is Good Friday. GOOD because it was the day that Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice of love. The day he decided to end the need for other physical altars & sacrifices. The day He was beaten, broken, mocked... to show me & you that we ARE his beloved. The hands that made the world, all the animals, every star & every cloud. The hands that wipe my tears & the hands that pray for me. Those hands were pierced & nailed to the cross.. because I am His. His banner over me, is love. Because I am my beloved's & He is mine.
May you be blessed today, and know that YOU are HIS beloved. Also, I would be delighted to sing this song to any of you, when I sing it, I pray that others will know these words to be true for them as well.
Your Beloved : The Tree
Lord it was You, who created the heavens
Lord it was Your hand, that put the stars in their place
Lord it is Your voice, that commands the morning
Even oceans and their waves will bow at your feet, O God!
Lord, who am I compared to Your glory?
Lord, who am I compared to Your majesty?
O God..
I'm Your beloved.
Your creation.
And You love me as I am.
You've called me chosen, for Your kingdom.
Unashamed to call me Your own.
I'm Your beloved... I'm Your beloved.. I'm Your beloved.
Christ's indestructible life did not simply allow Him to assume a title of honor. It allowed Him to burst open every believer's grave & shout, "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" (I Cor. 15:55) *taken from "A Women's Heart: God's dwelling place" by Beth Moore
March 11, 2010
now here I go, dance around the sun
Can, can you spare some conversation
Can, can you spare some conversation
I need a yellow taxi cab today
I need your taxi cab to take me away
I need a yellow taxi cab today
So take us, driver, take us far away...
if you've never listened to matt costa.. well, you really should. the first time i heard one of his songs was when my friend Allison was singing in a lounge on Corydon. It was so catchy and fun, and I went home and downloaded it.. and have been a matt costa fan ever since. some days i listen to his cd over and over again, it is delightful.
anyway, as i was driving today i was marveling at the fact that its RAINING in MARCH! not snowing, raining. and if you know me, you know that i love rain. i love gray days, when the rain falls and the puddles grow. when you have to wear rubber boots to avoid being soaked, and have to run to your car so you don't get drenched. i love sitting inside and feeling warm. i love to sip a warm drink and watch the puddles dance. gray days don't make me feel gray, but rather they cheer me up (odd i know!)
so, unlike the lyrics i started this post with.. i don't want to be taken far away! i am enjoying the rain falling out my window. although.. i wouldn't mind being taken "far away" to the cabin. it's at this time of the year that i'm really itching to be out there, spending countless hours with my family, playing games, watching movies, being together even though we're all doing separate things, warm in front of the fire... can't wait! and this year we get to go with Everett! man, that will be wonderful.
this week started with a split. on tuesday morning i twisted to get out of our car (which is SO LOW to the ground!!) and heard a little rip. i walked into work and was getting my breakie ready, when my MIL (mother in law :) ) says "ASHLEY! YOUR SKIRT IS RIPPED!" and basically told me she could see my bum! and sure enough, there it was, ripped. thankfully (and oddly) i had a dress in my car, so my MIL ran out to get it. then one man in our office would not leave the staff room, he just kept chatting, not at all realizing that we were trying to end the conversation so he could leave. he left, and then kyle came in and i said "you've got to be kidding me!!" and told him he needed to go because my skirt was ripped! he left, and i finally changed. as my mom said later when I told her "well, that was a REAL bummer!" ha, so true. and now michael & i have another reason to want a new vehicle.. Rav4 here I come! (not forsure a Rav4, but thats my favorite choice currently!)
so it was a rough start, but the rain is enough to make the week better!
Can, can you spare some conversation
I need a yellow taxi cab today
I need your taxi cab to take me away
I need a yellow taxi cab today
So take us, driver, take us far away...
if you've never listened to matt costa.. well, you really should. the first time i heard one of his songs was when my friend Allison was singing in a lounge on Corydon. It was so catchy and fun, and I went home and downloaded it.. and have been a matt costa fan ever since. some days i listen to his cd over and over again, it is delightful.
anyway, as i was driving today i was marveling at the fact that its RAINING in MARCH! not snowing, raining. and if you know me, you know that i love rain. i love gray days, when the rain falls and the puddles grow. when you have to wear rubber boots to avoid being soaked, and have to run to your car so you don't get drenched. i love sitting inside and feeling warm. i love to sip a warm drink and watch the puddles dance. gray days don't make me feel gray, but rather they cheer me up (odd i know!)
so, unlike the lyrics i started this post with.. i don't want to be taken far away! i am enjoying the rain falling out my window. although.. i wouldn't mind being taken "far away" to the cabin. it's at this time of the year that i'm really itching to be out there, spending countless hours with my family, playing games, watching movies, being together even though we're all doing separate things, warm in front of the fire... can't wait! and this year we get to go with Everett! man, that will be wonderful.
this week started with a split. on tuesday morning i twisted to get out of our car (which is SO LOW to the ground!!) and heard a little rip. i walked into work and was getting my breakie ready, when my MIL (mother in law :) ) says "ASHLEY! YOUR SKIRT IS RIPPED!" and basically told me she could see my bum! and sure enough, there it was, ripped. thankfully (and oddly) i had a dress in my car, so my MIL ran out to get it. then one man in our office would not leave the staff room, he just kept chatting, not at all realizing that we were trying to end the conversation so he could leave. he left, and then kyle came in and i said "you've got to be kidding me!!" and told him he needed to go because my skirt was ripped! he left, and i finally changed. as my mom said later when I told her "well, that was a REAL bummer!" ha, so true. and now michael & i have another reason to want a new vehicle.. Rav4 here I come! (not forsure a Rav4, but thats my favorite choice currently!)
so it was a rough start, but the rain is enough to make the week better!
February 22, 2010
Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you
psalm 63:3 (NIV)
i love to sing
sounds like a simple statement, but really, truly, i LOVE to sing.
i love to sing in the car, in the shower, at my piano, with my guitar.
i love to sing at the lake when the boat is going so fast that it drowns out the sound of my voice.
i love to listen to my ipod & sing along as if everyone else can hear whats in my ears.
i love to sing on worship teams, in practices, early in the morning, later in the evening.
i love to sing in community, with people I know, and with people I don't know.
i love to sing with people who are so into the song that they don't even realize they're singing the wrong notes.
i love to sing when i'm all alone.
i love to sing in choirs, and duets & trios.
i just really, truly, love to sing.
this weekend i was at red rock bible camp with my mother-in-law & sister-in-law, as well as an aunt & two cousins (from the thiessen side), and we spent time singing together before each session.
i am a firm believer in really meaning what you are singing. Ok, sometimes I sing along to the songs on the radio, more for the fun than for the actual words caught in a bad romance.... for example! catchy song, but I'm not singing it for the words. What i was talking about though, is when it comes to worship
when i was on outtatown (formally called SOD) I had decided to go on a "singing fast", because I could think of nothing that was more valuable to me that I could "give up" for a time to really focus on Jesus. when you love something a lot, it can very easily become a source of pride, at least for me. I remember when I had started to sing again, and I struggled so much during one worship session. We were singing the song "Hungry" i'm falling on my knees.. offering all of me, Jesus you're ALL this heart is living for, and I wept and wept and wept. Because there was so many other things going on. so many distractions and meaningless things. Nothing "dramatic".. as i've never really been much of a rebel! but my heart could not sing those words, saying that all my heart was living for was Jesus. I so badly wanted to, but it wasn't honest. I loved him then (and love him now!) but he did not reign over all else in my heart.
since then, worship has become one of my main communication forms with Jesus. it is my passion to sing, so why wouldn't I use that as my main way to be passionate for Jesus? I've come to the decision that when I sing, I don't need to have it all together, but rather use the words as a re commitment, a plea to God to continue helping me make these words ring true for me.
this weekend our "theme song" was Amazing Love. i sort of groaned inside when I heard that because this song in my mind has been over played and over used. to the point that I don't think people realize the words anymore. they know how to sing it without once thinking about what they are saying (not all people, but i think that's what happens when the profound words become over used and almost "normal"). So I decided to really dwell on the words as we sang it
i'm forgiven BECAUSE you were forsaken
i'm accepted, you were condemned
i'm alive & well, YOUR spirit LIVES(!) within ME
because you died & rose again
AMAZING LOVE
how can it be?
that YOU my king would DIE for ME.
amazing love
I KNOW it's true
it's my JOY to honor you
in ALL I do, I honor you
YOU are MY KING
Jesus, you are my king.
amazing
i was struck by the lines "I know its true" "it's my JOY" & "You are my KING"
this weekend i had my eyes opened to a stumbling block that has been in my way for awhile, a block that has somehow multiplied itself so that it's more like a wall between me & my Jesus. but the wall does not need to remain! because i KNOW that God's love is true. and when I truly believe this.. I can see Jesus - and I literally picture him in his sandals & with his long hair (I really do wonder what Jesus actually looked like, since all I can picture are the Sunday School images!) picking up blocks and throwing them till them smash into pebbles. kicking down the wall & singing. destroying my wall, not in anger but in genuine affection. oh, believe me.. reveling in this love & this beloved destruction, oh, it is my joy!
you don't just walk away from strongholds after 1 decision, or one worship session. it would be foolish of me to believe that. but asking Jesus to help me smash these blocks, this is me asking him & proclaiming to him, that I want him to be my KING. & thanking him for the Joy that comes with honoring him as such.
amazing love. i know it's true. it's my joy to (try my best.. getting up every time i stumble) honor You, my King.
So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open,
drinking in your strength and glory.
In your generous love I am really living at last!
My lips brim praises like fountains.
I bless you every time I take a breath;
My arms wave like banners of praise to you
Psalm 63:2-4 (The Message)
i love to sing
sounds like a simple statement, but really, truly, i LOVE to sing.
i love to sing in the car, in the shower, at my piano, with my guitar.
i love to sing at the lake when the boat is going so fast that it drowns out the sound of my voice.
i love to listen to my ipod & sing along as if everyone else can hear whats in my ears.
i love to sing on worship teams, in practices, early in the morning, later in the evening.
i love to sing in community, with people I know, and with people I don't know.
i love to sing with people who are so into the song that they don't even realize they're singing the wrong notes.
i love to sing when i'm all alone.
i love to sing in choirs, and duets & trios.
i just really, truly, love to sing.
this weekend i was at red rock bible camp with my mother-in-law & sister-in-law, as well as an aunt & two cousins (from the thiessen side), and we spent time singing together before each session.
i am a firm believer in really meaning what you are singing. Ok, sometimes I sing along to the songs on the radio, more for the fun than for the actual words caught in a bad romance.... for example! catchy song, but I'm not singing it for the words. What i was talking about though, is when it comes to worship
when i was on outtatown (formally called SOD) I had decided to go on a "singing fast", because I could think of nothing that was more valuable to me that I could "give up" for a time to really focus on Jesus. when you love something a lot, it can very easily become a source of pride, at least for me. I remember when I had started to sing again, and I struggled so much during one worship session. We were singing the song "Hungry" i'm falling on my knees.. offering all of me, Jesus you're ALL this heart is living for, and I wept and wept and wept. Because there was so many other things going on. so many distractions and meaningless things. Nothing "dramatic".. as i've never really been much of a rebel! but my heart could not sing those words, saying that all my heart was living for was Jesus. I so badly wanted to, but it wasn't honest. I loved him then (and love him now!) but he did not reign over all else in my heart.
since then, worship has become one of my main communication forms with Jesus. it is my passion to sing, so why wouldn't I use that as my main way to be passionate for Jesus? I've come to the decision that when I sing, I don't need to have it all together, but rather use the words as a re commitment, a plea to God to continue helping me make these words ring true for me.
this weekend our "theme song" was Amazing Love. i sort of groaned inside when I heard that because this song in my mind has been over played and over used. to the point that I don't think people realize the words anymore. they know how to sing it without once thinking about what they are saying (not all people, but i think that's what happens when the profound words become over used and almost "normal"). So I decided to really dwell on the words as we sang it
i'm forgiven BECAUSE you were forsaken
i'm accepted, you were condemned
i'm alive & well, YOUR spirit LIVES(!) within ME
because you died & rose again
AMAZING LOVE
how can it be?
that YOU my king would DIE for ME.
amazing love
I KNOW it's true
it's my JOY to honor you
in ALL I do, I honor you
YOU are MY KING
Jesus, you are my king.
amazing
i was struck by the lines "I know its true" "it's my JOY" & "You are my KING"
this weekend i had my eyes opened to a stumbling block that has been in my way for awhile, a block that has somehow multiplied itself so that it's more like a wall between me & my Jesus. but the wall does not need to remain! because i KNOW that God's love is true. and when I truly believe this.. I can see Jesus - and I literally picture him in his sandals & with his long hair (I really do wonder what Jesus actually looked like, since all I can picture are the Sunday School images!) picking up blocks and throwing them till them smash into pebbles. kicking down the wall & singing. destroying my wall, not in anger but in genuine affection. oh, believe me.. reveling in this love & this beloved destruction, oh, it is my joy!
you don't just walk away from strongholds after 1 decision, or one worship session. it would be foolish of me to believe that. but asking Jesus to help me smash these blocks, this is me asking him & proclaiming to him, that I want him to be my KING. & thanking him for the Joy that comes with honoring him as such.
amazing love. i know it's true. it's my joy to (try my best.. getting up every time i stumble) honor You, my King.
So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open,
drinking in your strength and glory.
In your generous love I am really living at last!
My lips brim praises like fountains.
I bless you every time I take a breath;
My arms wave like banners of praise to you
Psalm 63:2-4 (The Message)
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