some fun random things to know

i really hope that that last post wasn't a "downer" for people who read it
truth be told, i am still enjoying life and am still a happy person
i still have a wonderful family and group of friends that i love and that i am loved by
Jesus is still ever present
when i worship i worship with sincerity and gratitude
not full understanding
the air is thick for me right now but I still feel like i'm moving ahead, maybe just with different steps than i'm used to.
i am so thankful for Jay and his impact on my life. and i think as his birthday comes up
my grief is looking different yet again.

I just wanted to maybe add a more hopeful spin to parts of my post from yesterday (altho i do realize that very few people read this, i figured it was still worth the telling)


i'm feeling cheerful this afternoon
the end of a friday work day means two full days of time for non work life! and everyone likes that

so, here are some fun random things about me that i felt like sharing for fun

i always leave the last sip of coffee in my mug or take out cup, it drives michael crazy
when i have my hair curly i feel more glamorous, even if i'm wearing sweats
i appreciate really good music, but most days my radio is set to 103
i don't understand why people hang their toilet paper "under"... so sometimes i switch it while i'm in there.
i can fit a toonie up my nose
it drives me crazy that i have two silver teeth in my mouth, but i don't want fake ones either!
i would eat cereal at every meal if i could get away with it
my favorite place to worship is alone at my piano or around a campfire or in a living room with a small group of people
i think the egg shaker is a fabulous invention
on really hot summer days i daydream about walking downtown while it's snowing
i'd like to live at the lake
my mom and sisters are who i call my best friends
i am surprisingly very shy
i used to want to have two sons one day, but now i think i want a girl and a boy, or maybe just two girls... but probably a girl and a boy (not like i really have a choice!)
i enjoy hanging out with the elderly
i want my nose pierced
i miss jo all the time, especially when i go to starbucks
if i were rich i would buy starbucks every day. sometimes twice.
i would like to fly to the dominican republic for the sunshine, but mostly for the passionfruit!
i want to take a photography course in time for when josh and leah's 2nd babe is born
i love my husband more than i ever thought i could love someone!
i love being with and hanging out with my dad

time for a fun filled weekend! pedicures, manitoba stampede, getting our treadmill & caregroup!

life is tastier when drinking chai lattes

i have not written in a while
i haven't been too busy to write, but rather a little too overwhelmed with life i think

my mom was emailing back and forth with me and shared that she thought i was processing my grief later than a lot of people. i've been grieving the whole time since Jay's arrival but was able to continue going 'normally', actually i don't feel like i've been 'normal' since July 24th, and will never be that same normal ever again. but now its like the grief is settling in even more.
these days it feels like the air is thicker and i'm so tired
it's causing my sleep to become restless
and my desire to commit to things (that i used to jump at the chance for) diminish
and i think that last point is ok. i think it's good to take time to just rest and be

i've realized that grief can be very dark when it is not walked thru with Jesus
i've realized that this darkness isn't a lack of Jesus, but rather a lack of me leaning on him
i've realized that this "darkness" has become a 'friend' or a welcome companion, but not a friend at all
i've realized that if Jay was looking out at me from Heaven he would grieve for me when i choose to be friendly with this lack of light. that Jay would want to be loved and remembered and celebrated, thought about, talked about... but not the source of life turning to hopeless gray.

this is my own walk with grief and the air is thick right now
but the other day i was kept awake at night by my Jesus
and he used my own hands to write ASHLEY REMAIN IN MY LOVE while marking the paper with my tears and the tears of my Jesus
the other day he woke me up with the brightest lightning. scattering the darkness that is a companion, but not a friend.
my Jesus woke me up to the sound of rain pounding on the pavement outside my window
and whispered in my ear that this is a fresh start for us
my grief is making the air thick and is shaking my world up again

i think next week is going to make the grief again very raw
i'm learning to let Jesus love on me
and to trust in that relationship.
color sucking grief is not my friend
and I'm learning what it means for Jesus to be companion.

*the title of the post is really just because carmyn and i went to starbucks today and now i'm warming up with a chai latte. chai lattes remind me of being with a friend, visiting, sharing, chatting... companionship. *

an excerpt

as mack made his way down the trail toward the lake, he suddenly realized that something was missing. his constant companion, the great sadness, was gone. it was as if it had been washed away in the mists of the waterfall as he emerged from behind its curtain.
its absence felt odd, perhaps even uncomfortable. for the past years it had defined for him what was normal, but now unexpectedly it had vanished. 'normal is a myth', he thought to himself.
the great sadness would not be part of his identity any longer. he knew now that missy wouldn't care if he refused to put it on. in fact, she wouldn't want him to huddle in that shroud and would likely grieve for him if he did. he wondered who he would be now that he was letting all that go - to walk into each day withou the guilt and despair that had sucked the colors of life out of everything.
---
ask me my thoughts on this if you'd like to know. this was taken from "the shack"

i stole this from Kara's blog...

HAVE YOU:

1. Travelled → yes quite a bit. With my family we typically go somewhere warm with beautiful beaches, florida, dominican, cuba. i've also been to south africa, parts of europe, cruises of the caribean and bahamas, guatemala and parts of canada and the us!
2. What is your weakness → bargain shopping... i love finding deals! also sudoku, gum & slurpees
3. Laughed until you cried → very often. i have a funny husband, family and friends!
4. Met someone who changed you → my family has shaped me a lot that's forsure! other than them i would say these people changed my life for the better: Michael <3 , Leah, Phoebe and my precious nephew Jay!
5. Found out who your true friends were → sure have
6. How many kids do you want to have → 2 or 3
7. Do you have any pets → Oreo will forever be my pup, i really want another dog or a cat someday, but probably not for awhile.
8. Do you want to change your name → Growing up i used to change my name for fun, mostly just with my friends when we wrote notes etc. I actually really love my name!
9. What did you do for your last birthday → my mom took me out for lunch, michael and i spent the evening together, but we don't actually remember what we did. my guess would be that we ordered chinese and watched a movie or something. celebrated with my families the nights following.
10. What time did you wake up today → 8:35
11. What were you doing at midnight last night → sleeping!

12.Name something you CANNOT wait for → december 17th or 18th :)
13. Last time you saw your father→ this afternoon at grandma's
14. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life → Sometimes I wish that money didn't exist and we wouldn't have to worry about it! I wish that I could be more confident.
15. What are you listening to right now → TV - Friends, the fan and michael sleeping
16. What's getting on your nerves right now? → i cut my leg shaving an hour ago and it still stings!
17. Most visited webpage → gmail and cooks.com

THE BASICS:
18. Nicknames → Ash, Ashes, Ashy, Pook, Pumpkin, Pump, Pumpy, Lump, Lumpy, Lumpkin, Poofler, Muffler and Poof
19. Relationship Status → happily married!
20. High school you attended → MBCI
21. Hair color → blonde - although it is actually "mousy brown", thank goodness for hi lites and low lites!
22. Long or short → on the shorter side right now, right around my chin
23. Height → 5'5 ish
24. Do you have a crush on someone? → You bet, and he's pretty handsome!
25: What do you like about yourself? → I like that my priorities and my values are in the right place, and that I am happy with where I am at right now
26. Piercings → just my ears, 3 holes in 1 ear, 4 holes in the other. but i'd like to get my nose pierced
27. Tattoos → I have a bluejay with Jay's initials on my right shoulder blade
28. Righty or lefty → righty

FIRSTS :
22. First surgery → oral surgery when i was 2
23. First piercing → ears
24. First best friends → I remember talking to my dog everyday after school, his name was Sam. At school... probably Crystal or Darlene or Lorissa, or Kara Fast? my mom would probably know better than me :)
25. First sport → Baseball I think. I also did Figure Skating a bit
26. First vacation→ We went to Edmonton and Banff when I was really little (2ish) but I don't remember that. We went to Florida when I was five and I remember parts of that.
27. First concert → Newsboys or something? It was a christian band and I think they were wearing pajama pants.
28. First crush - That I can remember... Peter Gross

29. First Love - Real love -- Michael

RIGHT NOW:
30. Eating → nothing
31. Drinking → iced tea. I finally bought some mix.. welcome summer!
32. I'm about to → get ready to go to Carmyn and James' for caregroup
33. Listening to → We already had this question... TV - Friends
34. Waiting for → Michael to wake up in a bit so we can get ready to go

YOUR FUTURE :
35. Want kids? → definitely.
36. Want to get married? → already am
37. Careers in mind? → I'm happy where I am right now. I have also thought about going to Beauty School to be an Esthetician, or getting a degree as a Recreation Facilitator for the Elderly and people with disabilities.

HAVE YOU:

38. Lost someone special? → yes - both Grandpas, my Granny and Jay
39. Been depressed? → no, have had hard days and months thought
40. Been drunk and threw up? → Nope, never

41. Broken someone's heart → Nope
42. Had your own heart broken → yup, see #38
43. Cried when someone died → Still cry about it, which I think is ok.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
44. Yourself → Yes, 99% of the time!

45. Miracles → yes, altho I think there are a lot of things that are miracles that we brush off as ordinary
46. Heaven → Most definitely
47. Santa Claus → no although I think I'll pretend for my kids when they're really little
48. God or a Higher Power? → God. Of course!!

FAVORITES:

49. Drink - Most drinks from Starbucks. Altho I also really like a regular old cup of peppermint tea, coffee or mint hot chocolate

50. Food - Pad Thai

51. Movie - You've Got Mail, Fever Pitch or Bewitched

52. Band - Depends on the day. Altho I consistently like the Dixie Chicks

53. Memory - holding Jay, my wedding day, the feeling of relaxation on my honeymoon with Michael, watching sunsets in hawaii with ellen, watching Leah walk down the aisle, "studying" at starbucks with Jo, living with Shauna, singing with my Grandpa at the hospital.. ok i have a lot!

54. TV Show - I have too many favorites: Friends, So You Think You Can Dance, Project Runway Canada, Ellen, OC, Bachelorette

55. Hobbies - I love taking pictures, making cards, being at coffee shops, board games, reading, sitting around the bonfire

56. Subject - in university i liked my psychology courses best

green cookies

i just made green cookies while michael made lunch
i used pistachio pudding, so they are green and tasty

on a different note, look how big baby is now! :Continuing the march towards normal proportions, baby's legs now out measure the arms. And, finally, all four limbs have functional joints. Your baby is squirming and wiggling like crazy down in the womb, though you probably still can't feel the movements.

so exciting!