full

so on monday i turned one year older... and then spent the whole week celebrating (is what it seems!)

honestly, i don't feel different, except that now i have to say 24 instead of 23 when people ask. no big deal really.

i decided that i will write down twenty four things to mark the beginning of the next year.
things i've learned, things i'm thankful for etc. so here goes:

1. i have learned that it is so fun to be a wife
2. re-realized that family is the most important thing to me (after God of course)
3. this year was one of the best and the worst ever. i'm thankful God gave me some of my happiest moments in the midst of the deepest grief
4. i am thankful, every day that a year ago i felt my little nephew kicking inside leah's tummy, that i could actually FEEL him moving. he was so active in there.
5. realized it was time to take a break from some commitments and just take time
6. i learned that working 8-4 mon-fri makes you feel like a grown up
7. thankful for a loving husband, who warms up my heat pack for my cold little feet every night before bed
8. this year i went to cuba twice, the first time i was a girlfriend and then a fiance. the second time, a wife!
9. i started a new tradition... having a sleepover in my own house... in the living room!
10. this year i had 4 different jobs: spring clean up with paneless, cleaning with molly maid, retail with hallmark and finally customer service rep with kindred productions
11. this year i learned that if i can't trust in God, i'm lost
12. i got a tattoo
13. since my last birthday i have one more brother, one more sister, one more mom and one more dad! what a year!
14. this year i learned to like bran flakes for breakfast!
15. i'm thankful for my first home.
16. i watched the Office for the first time
17. i am thankful for my new caregoup, and how good it is to spend time getting to know them
18. i cried more than any other year
19. i learned to pray more genuinely
20. i watched many sunsets... and marveled at how the sky actually turns into a giant rainbow.
21. i actually started really liking country music... and know a lot of it by heart already!
22. our little family of 2 has grown by 1. michael and i have a foster child, from burkina, where michael grew up! his name is bouriema kiema and he's 10.
23. i now own the whole series of friends and the oc.... and we like to watch them and quote them!
24. i had the fullest year of my life. full of good. full of bad. full of such joy. full of such pain. full full full. (both of my sisters wrote something like this in my birthday cards. this was my year).

there is much more, but that is all for now.

ps. i cut my hair!

my Jesus, and my favorite shoes.

i just love days like this

it's kind of cool outside, the air is crisp and you can smell the rain (or the rain that will be coming)

i'm wearing my favorite shoes today. they are by no means the prettiest shoes, or the most supportive or the best for your feet... no, they are worn out, little flats from zellers. blue with salt stains on the sides. a little white/rainbow elastic on the top right behind the rubber toe. when i wear these shoes, my feet are guaranteed to get a little dirty, because the poor little rubber soles can't hold much at bay anymore. these are my favorite shoes. and i feel comfortable wearing them.

i like things like that.

God, he is my favorite. being with him in no way guarantees me the prettiest life, the most carefree or happy. my relationship with him isn't always the best (on my part), and at times i'm a little worn out. my heart has nicks and scratches, and stains on it... showing a good almost 24 years of living. God gave me extra things to make me a little special, bright blue eyes and one little freckle on my nose. being with God doesn't mean that he holds everything at bay, keeping me carefree and problem free. but he is my favorite. and i feel comfortable and safe with him. and he always walks beside me, never ever leaving me.

i like days like this. my God, he is the everlasting.

strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord

this song resonates with me.

enjoy.

here are the lyrics:

everlasting God : Chris Tomlin

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary

You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

he took my sins and my sorrows, he made them his very own

so i feel a little out of it, because I haven't blogged in so long...
it was so good to get away and be in Cuba, and now this week i'm trying to get back into the swing of working full time (this is still very new for me!), and now i'm on my own... no more training!

anyway... i thought i would write a bit before going to sleep

and here is what i'm thinking:

today i took some time to watch the slideshow of pictures of our precious Jay that Jeremy made for us. it is such a gift to have that. i looked it up online, and had no sound on my computer, so i hummed the song in my head and just watched the pictures. it felt really fresh all over again, looking at his little hands, his little feet, his cute little nose... he was just so perfect, and so ready to be a part, a very living, active life giving part of our family.

and then i was thinking how much it hurts to have something just taken away from us. kind of like having a swift kick to your stomach, where the air feels like it is forced out of you so quickly you fall over from the shock of it.

and then i was thinking where does Jesus fit into all of this. Theresa spoke on Lazarus this past Sunday at church, and how when people are grieving we say "if you loved me... this wouldn't have happened", that that is so often how it feels. it feels like that swift kick hit so hard, and Jesus was there watching, he could've stopped it... but didn't.

she also talked about Martha, and how it was amazing that in her grief, of losing her brother and KNOWING that Jesus, her personal, dear friend just chose not to prevent it, that in all that she still said Jesus, you are sovereign. You are who you say you are, and you are good.

I was singing at my piano tonight (felt like it had been too long since the last time i'd played) and i was singing the song "you alone" by david crowder.

you alone are Father
and you alone are good.
you alone are Saviour
and you alone are God.

and i realized, that I have been mad at God, I have been asking him WHERE ARE YOU, but I have not, not even once, doubted if God was God, or if he was sovereign. No, instead i've been learning a deeper part of Jesus. in all truthfulness i've built up a pretty "secure" wall around my heart, and at times (too often) even keeping Jesus away from it. keeping it to myself seems to allow me to feel however i feel and not question it. but i'm realizing that it's not allowing me to push forward.

at the same time, in some ways, Jesus has never been closer. and the thing is... i'm not saying that I don't love Jesus or doubt him, but i'm just feeling like i don't know what i'm doing, because i've never had to walk down this path of grief before. but i've been more honest with him, more direct, and sometimes i just feel like he's letting me rest. maybe he's inside my wall more than i realize, and for that i am thankful. he is allowing me to rest and is slowly breaking down that wall.

i've been staying connected to him through worship. i feel like he shows me songs to sing that allow him to speak very directly to me, at just the right time. i weep a lot at my piano, sob even. and it's just me and Jesus there.

tonight i was singing "he took my sins and my sorrows, he made them his very own; he cried no tears for his own grief, but sweat drops of blood for mine" Jesus knew about Jay when he was in the garden. before Jesus died on the cross he knew about me, he knew about josh and leah, my mom and dad, michael and i.. he knew about Jay. he knew what he would look like, Jesus knew exactly how he would form Jay, right down to his little toes. he knew that our hearts would break that day, and in the garden he weeped for us. his sorrow was my sorrow. the love in his heart was for me, for all of us. he bore my sorrow out of love.

how marvelous. how wonderful
and my song, shall ever be:
how marvelous, how wonderful
is my Saviour's love for me.

he sees each tear that falls, and hears me when i call

*disclaimer... this will be a long one!*

so i decided to stay home and have my own "church" today. some days the idea of sitting there makes me feel claustrophobic... like part of a huge crowd. and other times, it's exactly where i want and need to be.

our caregroup was over last night. God i am SO thankful for your answer to those prayers and for this support group. we feel so blessed.

this morning i decided to start by singing some worship at my piano. first i sang one of the songs that i feel is such a good reassurance for me (quoted in my previous post). and as i sang i thought, God's mercy is wider than the sea. THE SEA! God's love and mercy is larger, wider, heavier, tastier, than my little mind could ever comprehend.

then i just decided to flip through my book. i went to open toward the front, and without thinking grabbed a chunk from the back and flipped to a song that i have no doubt God was giving to me this morning as a gift.

the song hit me exactly how i needed today.

i have been longing to feel God again. Since Jay died I've learned new ways to relate to God. There have been times where i've been so angry at him, saying You were mighty to save, but you DIDN'T. you didn't. if you loved me...

if
you
loved
me

there have been times where i start to cry and my heart beats so fast that i feel like people could probably see it coming out my chest. where my breathing is so intense, quick and shallow. where my eyes literally feel like floodgates being opened and where my whole body aches and groans, and i have absolutely no words. and the Spirit groans with me.

times when i've cried out to Him more honest and genuine than i knew i could. asking for rescue.

there have been times when i look at my family and question why God chose us for these experiences.

there are times when i am so encouraged. when i have discussions with my family of God saying He blesses those who mourn, those who realize their need for him (matthew chapter 5)

there are times when i feel like my heart stops as i mourn and grieve what was taken away from us. and realize hos much love i have in my heart that i don't know what to do with because the one i was saving it for isn't here to receive it

there are times when i think i forget how to pray because i feel so disconnected, and i am carried by people around me.

times when i understand a tiny bit more what a sacrifice God made by giving us Jesus.

times when i physically feel Christ beside me, weeping.

times where i'm in awe of God

times where i say how long till you show yourself?

and i've realized... God can handle it all. he really can.

and this morning i felt loved. i've been keeping God at a distance, because sometimes its just easier to hide and pretend.

Christ exposes me. not for harm. but for comfort.

Jesus Jesus how i trust thee... how i've proved you over and over. Jesus Jesus, precious Jesus. oh for strength to trust You more.

No matter what stage i'm at (and the stages change day to day, even hour to hour sometimes) He will never leave.

He's been feeling far, but this morning He took time for me, just for me. and He reminded me what I am... I'm HIS beloved.

the song starts by talking about the majesty of God. the stars, the morning, the oceans and waves bow at His command. compared to that glory, who am I?

and then God told me, and he knocked down one of my defenses, making me sing it and begin to reclaim it:

i'm your beloved. your creation.
and you love me, as i am.

you've called me chosen for your kingdom.
unashamed to call me your own.

i'm your beloved.